PPD = Prison...Prison...Daily

It happened... again.

Just today I was rejoicing over how I have had more good days than bad days and then it hit me hard. The dark cloud flew in and settled over me.

I just wish I could blow it away. I wish I could walk it out or read enough Bible verses to get rid of it.

I wish I didn't always crave the crap that acts as depressants. Come on... chocolate, any kind of sugar, and fatty food. Why is it that the stuff that tastes so darn good is the stuff that is sooooo bad for you?

I want it gone!

I am DONE with Postpartum Depression...

And yet it still lingers.

I'm tired of feeling locked in a prison while drowning.
I'm tired of feeling alone and unloved.

I know it is a lie, at least my head knows it. Travelling the 6 inches down to my heart... that's another thing.

It is such a battle. One that I must win. But having the energy and desire to fight anything is lacking.

There has been the attitude at times that I just need to "happy up"
... if only it were that simple. This isn't a comfort zone... it is a prison camp.

I want to be free!!

You Are What You Eat

Growing up, I never fully understood what this phrase meant. I eat beef, does that make me a cow? I eat sugar, does that make me sweet? I eat Kraft Dinner, does that make me cheesy? I eat carrots, does that make me a rabbit?

Of course having more of a logical mind now, I do understand what that phrase means. If you eat healthy, you will be healthy. If you eat fatty foods, well... you get the picture.

Lately, I have not only thought about it in the physical realm of things, but also in what I listen to, read and watch.

I love the show, "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette." I find the ridiculous drama amusing and like seeing a "love story" unfold. Realistically, this is not edifying. A friend of mine once told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who stated that "chick flicks" are like porn for women. I am slowly starting to agree. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy chick flicks, but I have to be choosy with what I watch. Hollywood does a good job of sneaking into our minds and causing us to think "This is what real love is supposed to be like..." when in reality, you find yourself fighting with your hubby, burning supper and not showering in 3 days.

My husband and I had a great talk about this yesterday. He told me he is far from perfect and this portrayal is showing that men are perfect. That really is not fair to him for me to have this mindset (even though I didn't realize it until yesterday.) I also realized if he had this mindset with my imperfection, I would feel absolutely terrible.

So... tangent aside, I have decided I have to say goodbye to The Bachelor and Bachelorette. This does not mean to you who read are going to be judged by me if you continue to watch it. This is just how God convicted me.

I choose not to listen to a lot of secular music for a similar reason. I don't see a point in listening to people who have no talent but high drama in their lives get paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to have their voice auto-tuned and talk about getting drunk, having an orgy and making lots of money. I do, however like to listen to music that causes me to stop what I am doing and humbly stand in the presence of God and worship Him.


The same goes for books. I have read a few amazing books by authors who do not know the Lord, but for the most part, there is so much language and sex scenes in them... if I don't watch movies with sex scenes in them, why would I read about it?
I love books by Christian authors because even though some may be light and fluffy, God always ends up seeping through and challenging me in some way through the writings of this person.

I can so easily forget why I am on this earth and to Whom I am on this earth for. I can easily get caught up in myself, my wants and needs, and my desiring to just kick back and get lost in romantic comedy. This isn't bad... in moderation. God also wants us to rest and enjoy our lives, but if it gets to a point where all these subliminal messages cause us to be unsatisfied with our lives, it is time to take action.

This New Year...

I remember looking forward to 2010 being done. Within the first three months of that year I had found myself being separated from my husband. Within the last three months of that year, I found out I was pregnant. Talk about going to opposite ends of the spectrum. That year was full of blessings and growth. It was one of the hardest years to get through. I was full of shame and embarrassment and being over-protective from us being separated to worrying about what people though over God giving us a child 2 months after we got back together.

2011 was wonderful! Full of healing and then giving birth to our wonderful little boy. It is amazing thinking about how January to May D-R-A-G-G-E-D on, and May to December flew by.

2012 is a year full of hope. My husband and I desire to be more disciplined this year... in every aspect of our life. I don't like making New Years resolutions because I know most of the resolutions fail within the first 3 weeks of the year.

However, I do desire, and have goals.
I desire to be more disciplined with exercising because I know it will not only be good for my health, it will help fight PPD.

I desire to be more disciplined with housework. I still have my days where it is an accomplishment to get out of bed, but I love having a clean house, so I hope to do even one thing a day.

I desire to spend more time in the Word. Life is always so much better and put into perspective once you spend time with God. The outlook on life is always better, and I know life is so much better the closer I am to God.

So, these are my desires.

What are your goals?

Lessons Learned

I've been in a bad mood all week.

I hate even admitting this because I would love to be one of those wives with a perfect body, perfect hair and makeup and always happy. You know the ones... once Dear Husband arrives home, you greet him with a kiss and usher him through your perfectly clean home to the table, present him with the most magnificent 5 course dinner only talking about his day. And of course, once supper is done, he goes to the living room and puts up his feet while you clean up, and the children play quietly at his feet.

Yes, I am talking about an I Love Lucy re-run... I'm sure of it!

Well, I had my wake up call this morning... literally. My son woke up very early because he kicked his blankets off. As I laid in bed cuddling him, I noticed the time was a little over an hour before my alarm would go off so I decided to get up. I love these opportunities where I wake up before I normally do, and all is quiet because it gives me time to be able to think... and spend time with God.

I read my devotional book, and today's devotion hit hard. It talked about thanking God for the hard times, especially the times that keep coming back. To see it as an opportunity to learn new lessons.

Yikes!

I sat for a while really struggling with this. I did thank God, but I told Him my heart wasn't in thanking Him quite yet.

What would the world look like if we had more of a heart of thankfulness when we suffered instead of wanting to scream profanities at the heavens? What would our hearts look like? How would we react to others?

Do You Know Where You Will Go?

This morning, as my husband was reading the paper, he let me know that one of the most well known atheists died. I don't remember his name but what I do remember is the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt once I realized his opinion would have changed as he faces eternity in misery, pain and darkness.

Do you know where you will go when you die? I hate talking about death. I hate thinking about death. Maybe it is because I deal with abandonment issues, or maybe it is because I have been on the receiving end of losing a loved one and knowing the years of pain that come with needing to work through it. One thing I can rest assured of is I know, I will see my Dad again.

How many opportunities do we have to share our faith? I am a very shy person, and the thought of being bold is very nerve-racking to me, but I wonder about the opportunities where the actions are there. Being able to be kind at the doctor's office when your appointment was missed and you have been waiting for an hour, or if the service at a restaurant was terrible. What about the everyday moments when each person you encounter could be a brief opportunity to be the example Jesus called you to be.

So I will seize my opportunity via bloggerville: Do you know where you will go when you die?

I know.

I am far from perfect, sinning on a daily basis. But I serve God who sent His one and only Son to die for my sins so I could be forgiven, and go to heaven when I die.

I know it is GOD who created the heavens and the earth, (Genesis 1:1) and I know it is GOD who loved the world so much that He sent His only Son as a perfect sacrifice for our sins (John 3:16) Because of these things, I KNOW where I will go when I die.

Do YOU know where you will go when you die?

Losing Focus

Have you ever wondered why problems seem so huge sometimes? Like stuff keeps piling on, and you feel like you can't take it any more? And then one more thing gets piled onto this all ready overwhelming, overflowing pile and you finally break?

I had one of those moments a couple days ago.


When I felt like I couldn't go on any more, my husband and I sat down, and he realized the thing that we were missing the most in our lives was spending time with God.

Isn't it amazing how when we're running the race, all it takes is a tiny bit of turmoil to take our focus off, and we crash and burn? I seriously wonder if I will ever learn this lesson, or if I am destined to live my life as a wandering sheep who occasionally needs my legs broken so I can follow my Master again.

I also find it ironic that during the season where my focus should be on all that Christ has done for us, it is on "oh man, I have to buy this person a gift, and how am I going to afford a gift for this person..." I HATE consumerism!! My desire is for Christmas to be exactly what it is supposed to be. People coming together in love, and worship to God for all He has done, and blessing others. No more lists of "I want, I want, I want" just a simple "I saw this and thought of you because you are unique and I wanted to bless you with this..." and focusing on the time where we can all get together, laugh, have fun and truly thank God for sending His Son down to earth. The ultimate Sacrifice.

With now having a son of my own, I seriously wonder how it was done. I was adopted, and right after my son was born, I realized what a selfless act adoption is. I would NEVER want to give my son up to another family. It made me respect my birth mother that much more! Now, thinking about Christmas... God new what it meant when Mary got pregnant... His Son would come to earth to die the most painful death. What a sacrifice! It really does put John 3:16 into perspective. To sacrifice a life to save the world... but it doesn't end there. Performing a miracle, and Jesus rising again. I love it!!

It is amazing how when the focus is on God, how minuscule our every day problems seem to be. This too shall pass... bills will get paid, meals will be made, broken relationships will be restored... in one way or another.

How do you make Christmas special?

My Life On Display #6 -- What Separation Did For Me

I call those 4 months my husband and I were separated as the best-worst months of my life.

I got married very young. I will never regret that decision because I married the right person at the right time. With hindsight being 20/20, I have realized I was a very broken person when I got married. That made me an unpleasant person as crap from my past slowly came to the surface and I had to deal with it.

I had become very complacent as a Christian. I was working in a Christian school at that time, and seeing so much hypocrisy around me made me not to want to be around Christians... or anything like them. I had been hurt multiple times by my Christian friends and family... etc. I used this as a way to justify my back-sliding but really, I was just getting lazy in my walk with God. I remember thinking I needed a wake up call and knowing I didn't want one. Less than 3 weeks later, my world was rocked, I was alone, and the only place I could turn to was God.

I was surrounded by some very beautiful people who upheld me in prayer, who listened to me, and who eventually called me on my crap. Though these people weren't perfect and made some mistakes, I still was blessed to have these people in my life.

I read books, sought out counselling, and did a Beth Moore bible study. God made me whole. He made me a better woman, wife, daughter, friend... person. I would NEVER want to re-live this, but through this, God made me a better person, and I am thankful for that.

"He heals the brokenhearted
and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I am not naive enough to say we are fully healed as a couple, but God did a mighty work in our lives.

Two months after my husband moved back home, I got pregnant. We have had many insensitive things said to us regarding the timing but we KNOW God answered the prayer I prayed 3 1/2 years before... "God, don't give us a child until this is dealt with..."