My Life On Display #4-- The Blindside, The Separation

When it came to pornography, I remained ignorant. I thought it was simply looking at pictures you shouldn't look at and struggling with masturbation.

As I look at the previous two sentences I just wrote, I just shake my head. Even those things are terrible... but I didn't realize WHAT pornography truly was until I had to live through the darkness. The lying, manipulation, sensing darkness, the random fighting. Sexual addiction didn't just effect my husband, it effected our entire life.

I feel I need to say I love and respect my husband very much! Before I was married, I think I used to view men as monsters if they struggled with this. My husband is a very good man, a hard worker, and one of the most patient and positive people I have ever met. I have great admiration for him, and being with him has made me a better person.

However, it is unfortunate that we live in a world full of sin. Even good people sin.

I knew there had been random times where the struggle reared its ugly head, but I didn't know to what extent.

When we had been married two years, the sexual addiction was the worst I had seen it. The amount of hopelessness and pain I felt was deep. We got a lot of help from out pastors and others in our church. It was around this time that I journaled a simple prayer to God. It was "God, please don't give us a child until this is dealt with." It was no surprise that I couldn't get pregnant. No matter how much we cried, desired or prayed.

I read a really good book by Clay and Renee Crosse during this time called "I Surrender All." They openly talk about Clay's struggle with pornography and how it effected his career, their marriage and how they dealt with it. I am very thankful they are so willing to share their story with the world because I took great comfort and encouragement in it.

During this time, men surround my husband, and women surrounded me. They focused on kicking this addiction in the butt, and healing for me. We did really well for a while. And I honestly thought we were free from this addiction for good. Before we married, our pastor told us this would forever be a "thorn in his side." I had the mindset that it might be a thorn in other people's sides, but not my husband.

Fast forward a couple more years, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. That whole summer I started sensing something was wrong. We would fight more, and I felt walls go up and distance between us. We had just moved into a new place so with the busyness of getting it set up and all that entails, I didn't think too much of it. Into the fall and winter, I had become very complacent. I was struggling in my job, I had been hurt by many Christians and was starting to turn my back on my faith and I was sensing my husband was struggling. Instead of fighting back, I cowered. On the first day of spring, I was completely blind sided. The addiction had been back, and he had hid it from me for 8 months.

We separated.

I was heart broken...

He is good, and He is God

Every time I sit down to write a new post I feel like I have nothing to say. There is so much going on around me that I feel like all the situations get jumbled into a big pile of crap and it is very hard to sort through that smelly, messy pile and put things into words.

Right now I am wrestling with things... and yet I'm not wrestling with things... if that makes any sense at all.

In the past month I have said goodbye to a beautiful girl who is now dancing in heaven, supported a friend as they contemplate divorce, given sympathy to another friend whose uncle was brutally murdered, found out about a mother of 3 young children who has been given 2 weeks to live and witnessed a long term couple break up.

Although some of these things would be good and considered healthy, other things bring so much pain to everyone and anyone who has ever been involved in these precious lives and relationships.

I find it interesting how I question God when life is down. Never when I'm on the mountaintop but always in the valley.

This past week, the post-partum depression has been kicking me in the butt. Hurting for all these situations has not helped at all either.

...And yet, I know God is always good. I know bad things happen to good people and it is not God's fault. I know we live in an imperfect, sinful world that is constantly swarmed with a spiritual battle... but it doesn't make this any easier.

I find myself holding my breath, waiting to hear the next round of bad news and begging God for the safety and health of my family.

But I still know He is good, and He is God.

He IS good, and He IS God...

Not That This Is Epic Or Anything...

I had an incredibly stupid moment tonight. I drank Pepsi. Then I drank another Pepsi. This was between the hours of 8:30 and 10:00 PM. It is now 3:15 AM and I am still W-I-R-E-D!!!!!

Sometimes I forget I'm no longer 18 and able to have caffeine at ridiculous hours. Tonight was one of those times.

The ironic thing is this is a bit of a vicious cycle. Tomorrow, I will need caffeine to stay awake which may result in me making more ridiculous decisions. Maybe not.

Learn from my mistake...

Thankfulness

Everyday I'm thankful. I get to stay at home with the most beautiful little boy whom I never thought I would have. Even now as his big, adoring eyes look up at me and he gives me his big gummy grin, I melt, sigh and breathe a prayer of thanks. I have the desire of my heart... to be a wife and mother.

Lately I have been convicted of what I call "the grass is greener" syndrome. It is a syndrome I have had my whole life. Full of coveting, jealousy, envy and even self-pity. It has effected friendships either by stalling them, or almost ending them. I hate this sin in my life so this is what God is trying to dig out of me right now... among many many other things.

About a month ago, "the grass is greener" syndrome reared its ugly head again. Some very good friends of ours put a bid on a beautiful home in a beautiful area. The offer was accepted, and they sold their adorable house they're in right now. They've been married a year less than us. I struggled because I watched and saw how blessed they are and it made me frustrated that these blessings aren't bestowed on me. Through prayer and talking with a mentor, God showed me that my life is the life He has given me. The place we rent, the car we have that is running on prayer right now...etc. He has given me these things, so I need to become a good steward of them.

Talk about a wake up call by a slap in the face. This syndrome has effected my friendship with this couple at times. This is a couple whom I love dearly and their friendship and loyalty has spoken volumes to me over the past years. There has been freedom in this conviction.

You see, I am a neat person. To all of you who know me and are scoffing at the last sentence, read on. I honestly am a neat person... you just haven't seen it... why? Because I have too much stuff.

Focusing on what I don't have is depressing. It brings up frustration and thoughts of "why don't I have this... don't You love me Lord??" However, focusing on what I do have brings up overwhelming feelings of joy. We have a living room cluttered with baby toys big and small due to people's generosity. Our living room is full of free furniture for the same reason. I might not have up to date stuff, and I think my couch is ugly, but I HAVE a couch. God has shown me how to be creative and generous with what I have. After all, it is all from Him.

So... with having too much stuff, God has really challenged me to downsize... again. I thought we did this when we made room for our little man, but there were some things I had trouble letting go of.

Through this whole lesson, God has also been teaching me to be satisfied with what I have. That includes having one child. I love kids, and have always wanted 4, but God has been nudging me to surrender that dream and be satisfied with what... or rather who I have. I have the most beautiful little boy who is so full of joy. He is a HUGE answer to prayer.

So it is with these lessons that I now surrender stuff to God and start using my resources for His glory. Lesson not learned... but lesson learning.

Does anyone want or need a doll house?

What has God been teaching you lately?

Sometimes Loving People Sucks!

For three years I worked as an Educational Assistant. It was one of the most exhausting and exhilarating jobs I have ever had. I developed a deep love and appreciation for people with special needs. I realized they are definitely in this world for a God-given purpose.

I got to see Jesus daily in my job. With having the privilege of working in a Christian school, it was inevitable. Although this job came with many problems and politics, I will always look back on those three years with fondness. I grew a lot.

After I got hired, I daydreamed about what my job would be like. Walking into the high school and having students just flock to me, wanting to know my story and allowing me to speak into their lives. Reality hit pretty hard when I walked into the school, got put in charge of supervising a class pretty early and realized I had NO FREAKING CLUE what I was doing.

I was worried about working with kids with special needs. I grew up in schools where they had their own space, and we had ours. I didn't have any contact with them. I am glad that has now changed because we can learn so much from these incredibly beautiful, spirited, wonderful children. I know there are challenges. Kids with Autism and Aspergers are all different and have their own challenges, but when there was a victory, even a small one, we celebrated! This job was exhausting, but so rewarding!!

When I say I saw Jesus daily, it was through these wonderful kids. Who daily, would love me in spite of my imperfection. It always seemed like when I was having a bad day, one of these kids would have a hug, a small present or something funny to share with me.

By the time I was done my job, I was completely burned out but I would still visit the school and check up on these kids. I love these kids deeply and thank God for allowing me to get to know them and be impacted by them.

...That is why it has been so hard learning that one of these beautiful kids passed away this week.

She went in for a surgery that should have kept her out for a week. Six days later, the Lord called her home. She was young (only 18), beautiful and incredibly sweet. Always ready with a hug or a kind word.

Even though she is fully healed, and able to walk, and in the most wonderful place with Jesus, she will be greatly missed. My heart is sad.

This is for you baby girl. Thank you for the impact you made. Thank you for loving me in spite of my imperfection. I love you, and I'll miss you but I rejoice you are in heaven. Rest In Peace.

A Guilty Pleasure, A Monkey Trap and Unforgiveness

A Guilty Pleasure

I love Karen Kingsbury. Her books can be fluffy and soap opera like (meaning everyone is perfect looking and has a lot of money... hence the guilty pleasure because their lives are perceived as perfect) but I ALWAYS get something out of her books. I like them because they are a light read and I am usually done the book within a day or two... well, I should say I was done the book within a day or two before I had a child. Now, it takes a little longer. Whether it is a struggle one of the characters are going through, or a Bible Study they go to in the story, I always come out with something that has made me think. This story touched on unforgiveness. Specifically Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Wow!! I have read this verse multiple times, but it hit me hard this week. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine led me in a listening prayer. Through that prayer, God showed me it is His desire to see me free and in order to start walking to that freedom, I need to forgive people.

A Monkey Trap

I never heard of a monkey trap until last week. A friend of mine was using the analogy and explained to me what a monkey trap was. A monkey trap is a container with a hole in it just big enough to fit a monkey's paw in it. In the container, there will be something very attractive to a monkey like a banana. The monkey will reach in, grab the banana but won't be able to get it out, no matter how hard it tries. The monkey is trapped only because it won't let go of the banana. If it did let go, it would be free.

Unforgiveness

Apparently this is not a word. Spellcheck and dictionary.com don't recognize "unforgiveness." If I say "unforgivingness" it is correct. I don't like that, so I will keep it as "unforgiveness."

There are certain things I find easier to forgive than others. If my husband hurts me, I can forgive him pretty easily. Why? Hurting me are never his intentions, and I live with him. He also is an amazing example of being quick to forgive as I am incredibly flawed. No matter how many mistakes I make in a day, or stupid things I say to him, he is always quick to forgive, and let things go.

So, what does this mean when I do struggle with not forgiving someone? Someone like... my mother? A woman who is mentally unstable, conniving, manipulative, abusive, who doesn't own up to her crap and continually hurts people?

Yes, even then.

This is my struggle. I'm caught in my own monkey trap of unforgiveness where even now as I type this, I struggle. There is the element of control. Because my mother will never own up to her crap and continually hurts me, why would I want to forgive her? Why would I want to let go of everything she has ever done to me and forgive her?

Because it will free ME.

This is my struggle. This is what I was convicted with through reading Karen Kingsbury.

70x7... 70x7... 70x7

It's going to take a lot of hard work! Please pray for me.

Moving Forward

I struggle with my devotional life. It's not like I don't have time. I'm a stay at home Mom. At least, I keep on telling myself that. I have realized this job is a very hard, yet rewarding job but its no wonder I'm tired a lot of the time. This is the career I have always wanted. However, I find it funny thinking about how I perceived how this job would be once I did have kids. I thought I'd have a clean house, lots of time to myself, a great schedule, exercise daily and amazing time with God.

...And then I woke up!! This perception is definitely a dream. Reality hits where I haven't showered in 3 days because I honestly forget to. My house is a mess, I struggle with getting outside to get exercise even though I know I feel better when I do, when I have time to myself, I waste it being on the computer, and time with God... what is that? I pray a lot for friends and family, but sitting down and digging deep in the Word... I don't remember the last time I did that.

I'm thankful for God who, in the midst of any struggle we have will meet us where we're at with open arms. I take comfort in the fact that as flawed as I can be, God still loves me, and His grace meter never runs low.

Well, my little man is asleep, so I should probably make this time productive. I think I'll start with showering...