Simply Poetic

As the days are being ticked away and our moving day comes closer and closer I find myself on the brink of freedom and fear.

Freedom from having a permanent mark on our family.  Freedom because we are moving to a place where we can share what we want to share in our story.  My husband and I are both the type of people who wear our hearts on our sleeve, but to be able to share what we want to share will be so much better.  It will be better because people tend to dwell on the negative, and that is what is permanently etched in their mind.  I see this in the off-handed comments I still receive and the looks that are given at times when I share about how friggin awesome my husband is.

It happens, we are all human.  I am guilty of judging others as well.

We should really be focusing on God!  What He has done not only in our situation, but in every situation!!!

I am excited about being free from the city life.  I know I will miss lots of aspects about being in a city.  I have been to Safeway three times in the past three days.  That won't happen in a small town.  But we are moving to a small town where peace seems to emanate from the very core.  I am excited about the freedom to experience a slower pace of life.  To be in a college town where money and material won't be the focus, but Christ will be.

Fear comes in by being unsure about how we are going to make money to live (still don't have that fully worked out but keep on trusting God and praying for wisdom.)  Fear of being the "new kid" or rather "new old adult" in town, and not able to make friends.  I have been in this city for 8 years and have a handful of people whom I call good friends. 

That is who I am.  I don't have a lot of friends, but that is because the people whom I am friends with I invest my all into them and consider them my very good friends. 

As I begin to fully process our move, I feel so thankful.  For years, I have felt like a "sitting duck" knowing that we were called to ministry but not moving forward in any way.  Now, we are moving forward.  God's timing is perfect.

I'm scared out of my mind.  I know what we are called to do, and I know it is not going to be easy.  I see who I am as a woman, mother, wife, friend, and Christian and there is SO MUCH room for improvement.  I am scared of being a pastor's wife because I feel inadequate.  However, I do know where God calls, He will equip.

I think it is time for me to end this blog.  I will keep it up for now (also because I have a stellar blogroll and don't want to forget about these blogs.)  I am contemplating starting a new blog but am not sure about how much time I will have in our new place.  I'll add it to this blogroll if I do.

For now, I thank you.  All of you who read my ramblings, rants and rationalizing.  Thank you for allowing myself to open up myself in a completely unadulterated way and attempt to remain anonymous.  Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement!  May God bless your socks off!!

An Update On Life

I think this blog has served its purpose.  I have vented, and gone from cynicism and bitterness to acceptance (for the most part) of people's stupidity (including my own.)  I have vented about life, and have been able to read back on how God was preparing me for the following months that were going to be incredibly difficult.

This week, we finally got a car.  It is perfect!  We are so amazed at how we missed out on appreciating luxuries like a car before, and now, we are blessed with an amazing vehicle with 4 doors, air conditioning and a cd player!  Our old car had 2 doors, no ac, and a tape deck that didn't work.  It is so amazing how easy it is to get a kid out of a back seat when you don't have to fold yourself back there and spring yourself out.

My husband still hasn't found a job but I have to admit, I absolutely love having him home.  Although he is still searching, I have found myself doing better with the PPD.

And the biggest news of all is that we are going to be moving.  This is very bitter-sweet.  We will be leaving a city that I love, and friends who have become more like family to me.  The plus side is we will only be living an hour away.  We will be moving to small town Saskatchewan so my husband can further his education.  We are still in prayer about this and busy trying to get funding, but we trust God will be taking care of us.

I am not quite done writing this blog, but I do believe as we begin a new chapter in the next few months that I will be changing blogs and writing more about life and what it is like to live in small town Saskatchewan.

This is an exciting change for us.  I will post when I can.

Who Are You?

Through the past couple years, I have seen a flaw in my character that drives me crazy.  I am not too sure how to work through this flaw, or if anyone else struggles with this but I see it as something that is not good.

I am a chameleon.

What I mean by that is I tend to change certain aspects of my personality to better suit whoever I am with.

If I am with my family, I am quiet, reserved and put on the mask that all is well in life.  If I am with certain friends, I am also a super-Christian who doesn't sin, or swear, and I people please my way through everything. If I am with the select few people who really know who I am, they see me for the incredibly flawed individual that I am and love me in spite of it.

This is who I am:  I am an insecure being who day in and day out despises how I look and am continually fighting to feel better about myself.  I swear a lot.  I love people in my life so deeply.  It is because of this deep love that causes me to get hurt very easily.

Even in this blog, I have been a bit of a chameleon.  I have struggled off and on about how to word things because yes, I do swear.  I have found it to be a good release after dealing with a few years of crap, but I am trying to stop this habit.  I also know that one day I will be a pastor's wife.  This does not mean I will ever be capable of giving the image that I am perfect, but if we do end up being in a more conservative church I would be terrified of anyone ever finding out about any blog post that had swears in it.

I care too much about what people think of me, but I fight to not care.  I am insecure in every relationship I have wondering if I am truly loved, or if I am just tolerated.

I can be outspoken to certain people and incredibly shy to everyone else.

I love creation.  I find I am able to commune with God quite easily in nature.

I am an introvert but love to be social.

I am a walking contradiction.

I love to read, crochet, needle felt and I am now learning to knit.

I love to play piano and sing.

I have a weird sense of humor, but my husband understands me, therefore he laughs at my jokes.

I desire to serve the Lord whole-heartedly but always feel inadequate.  I feel inadequate because I see how much of a schmuck I can be.

I find joy in bright (and I do mean LOUD) colours.  Both on the wall, and in my wardrobe.  I find joy in looking at a hamster's paws because I know if God cares about such tiny tiny details as a hamster's paw, He definitely cares about me.

This is who I am...now, my question is:  who are you?

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear 19 year old me:

Happy Birthday!  I know you won't hear it a lot today, but that doesn't mean you are not loved, and are not special.  This is just a reality when you're in the working world.  Take some time to enjoy the mountain air, bask in the beauty of God's creation and stop moping around because you don't get to be with your boyfriend on your birthday.  Trust me, you will have a lifetime of birthdays with him.

You will hate me for saying this, but you are young and very naive.  Take time to learn from people older than you.  You won't always like what they have to say but these people have a very valuable gift they want to share with you:  Life Experience.

You don't have all the answers, even though you think you do.  You need to go back to Bible College so you can learn more about Christ.  Don't waste your year continually sad because you have to long distance with your boyfriend.  Trust me, this too will pass.  Focus on building your friendships, and even more importantly, your relationship with Christ because when you leave this little greenhouse, you will feel like you were thrown to a pack of wolves.

Enjoy life!  Make good decisions!  Exercise, eat healthy and get some sleep.  Even though you think you're missing out on fun, it is ok to go to bed before 4 am.

Your life will not be easy, but it is a good life.  When you go through the valley's, ask God to make you better, and not bitter.  When you're on the mountain tops, continue to strive for godliness because you will need closeness with Him to get you through the tough times.

Remember you are beautiful.  No matter how much weight you gain... you are a beautiful person.  Allow yourself to be mentored, and continue to work on your relationships in your family.  They too won't always tell you what you want to hear, but they are family and they love you deeply!

Enjoy today, and everyday because they all are valuable gifts!

Oh, and one more thing:  Stop thinking of 29 year olds as old.  Face it kid... in a decade you will be 29 and will be writing this exact letter to yourself.

Love,
The 29 year old you

The Answer Of Course Is Hippopotamus!

Wow!  It's been a while.  I have had so many moments where I have been staring at this screen wondering what I should write.  How I can explain all I am learning, how I am struggling but how it is making me a better person, and what God is doing in my life.

All I can do is sum it up to one word:  Hippopotamus!


A couple weeks ago, I went for coffee with a good friend of mine.  I vented about what was going on in our life.  She told me about a sermon she had heard a while ago on Job.  This sermon was about God's response to Job when he cried out to Him.  When reading it, God's answer seems a little obscure and frustrating, but digging deeper into it, it makes sense.  It puts me into my place.  God told Job about creation.  He never gave the answer to why this happened to Job.  He did, however, describe animals.  One animal in particular sounds like a hippopotamus.  Therefore, the answer, of course is hippopotamus!

I don't have any answer whatsoever to why we have gone through all we have gone through in the past few months.  I don't have any answer to why I have friends going through all they are going through.  I do know I serve an AMAZING GOD who hasn't forgotten about me.  An amazing God who not only created the heavens and the earth, He had fun creating animals, and created me.

This makes sense to me because hippo's have a special place in my heart.  When I was young and went to Vacation Bible School, a song was sung about hippo's.  The first verse talks about creation and then how somethings God just made for fun.  The chorus is "hip-hip-hippopotamus, hip-hip horray God made all of us..."  I have always thought of a hippo as something fun God made.  So if God made something for fun, He obviously has a reason for everything.

**Just a note, I re-read the section where God speaks to Job.  To cover my bases I have now realized the one animal doesn't sound like a hippopotamus, but the analogy still sticks with me.**

What A Hypocrite

As I sit in the quietness of my in law's home and am finally able to breathe after what has felt like eons of trials, I suddenly feel inspired to write.

I just posted a blog stating I am forced to take a sabbatical.  That is true, but for as long as I have internet, I will write if I feel inspired.  Tonight, I feel inspired.

Have you ever had the desire to take a vacation from your life?  Just whisk your spouse and kids away to some warm island where there are no fears, or spiders, it only rains when you want it to, and the warmth is just perfect enough to feel like a warm blanket on a cold night?

In some ways, I desire a vacation from my life.  I think part of it has been that I have been sick for 5 out of the past 6 weeks, and dear hubby is still looking for work, and ei hasn't kicked in yet.  Our son got sick last week.  Really sick.  Like I called the health line and they told me to hang up and call 911 sick.  After a good friend rushed us all to the hospital, it was confirmed he had bronchial pneumonia.  After 3 1/2 days of no sleep (on my part) our son was able to go home.  We are thankful he is ok.  Seeing our baby hooked up to an IV is an image I hope will be erased from my mind.

I don't know when these times will end.  I long for a lot of things, but know God is teaching us much.  For example, all we can do right now is rely on God.

The silly thing is, I don't remember the last time I read the Bible.

As we were coming up to where my in law's live we were listening to a sermon by Charles Price.  I wasn't paying close attention, but a few things managed to strike a chord in my heart.  One being a story he told about when he was a little boy.  He had some Bible verses he would read.  He would race through them, then get on with his day but he felt like a good person because he read the Bible.  He never knew what he read because he raced through the verses.  It eventually dawned on him that the purpose of reading the Bible is not to read the Bible, it is to get to know the Lord.  This didnt hit me until I wrote it down.  To get to know the Lord.  To be in relationship with the Lord...

Oh how I desire intimacy with God.  How I thirst for relationship with my Savior.  No wonder I feel like a dying woman in a desert crawling in search for the next oasis.  All I have needed to do is look right in front of me.

Wow... self-therapy via blog.  I guess this is what it usually is for me.

To all blog-stalkers out there, I have a question for you:  How do you spend time getting to know God?  Maybe if ideas are shared, we can all challenge and encourage one another.

I didn't even pack a Bible.  Shouldn't that be the first thing I think of?!?  My focus has been off so much.  I thought I focused on God, but I have been focusing on the problems.

Who knew the blog author could kick herself in the butt while writing what comes to her eh?

I need to go spend time with God.  It's a good thing my Father in law is a pastor... lots of Bibles in this house ;)

Forced To Take A Sabbatical

So... we can't get internet for the summer.  We will be close to public internet, so I am not sure how often I will get on.  God is still stretching us, but we are striving to stay strong.
I will blog as often as I can.