Through the past couple years, I have seen a flaw in my character that drives me crazy. I am not too sure how to work through this flaw, or if anyone else struggles with this but I see it as something that is not good.
I am a chameleon.
What I mean by that is I tend to change certain aspects of my personality to better suit whoever I am with.
If I am with my family, I am quiet, reserved and put on the mask that all is well in life. If I am with certain friends, I am also a super-Christian who doesn't sin, or swear, and I people please my way through everything. If I am with the select few people who really know who I am, they see me for the incredibly flawed individual that I am and love me in spite of it.
This is who I am: I am an insecure being who day in and day out despises how I look and am continually fighting to feel better about myself. I swear a lot. I love people in my life so deeply. It is because of this deep love that causes me to get hurt very easily.
Even in this blog, I have been a bit of a chameleon. I have struggled off and on about how to word things because yes, I do swear. I have found it to be a good release after dealing with a few years of crap, but I am trying to stop this habit. I also know that one day I will be a pastor's wife. This does not mean I will ever be capable of giving the image that I am perfect, but if we do end up being in a more conservative church I would be terrified of anyone ever finding out about any blog post that had swears in it.
I care too much about what people think of me, but I fight to not care. I am insecure in every relationship I have wondering if I am truly loved, or if I am just tolerated.
I can be outspoken to certain people and incredibly shy to everyone else.
I love creation. I find I am able to commune with God quite easily in nature.
I am an introvert but love to be social.
I am a walking contradiction.
I love to read, crochet, needle felt and I am now learning to knit.
I love to play piano and sing.
I have a weird sense of humor, but my husband understands me, therefore he laughs at my jokes.
I desire to serve the Lord whole-heartedly but always feel inadequate. I feel inadequate because I see how much of a schmuck I can be.
I find joy in bright (and I do mean LOUD) colours. Both on the wall, and in my wardrobe. I find joy in looking at a hamster's paws because I know if God cares about such tiny tiny details as a hamster's paw, He definitely cares about me.
This is who I am...now, my question is: who are you?
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