My Life On Display #5 - The Healing Process

I remember walking around in a daze not fully sure of what had just happened. From the time I found out to the time he was out of the house was around 4 hours. I cried, I felt sick and the shock was unbelievable. I couldn't eat, sleeping was difficult because the moment I would wake up I'd be hit with another wave of what just happened.

I didn't talk to my husband for a little over 6 weeks. I didn't see him for 2 months. The range of emotions I went through on a daily basis were exhausting. I felt hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt ugly.

With being overweight, I blamed myself for not being beautiful enough for my husband. Even though this is still a daily struggle, I know it is a lie from the pit of hell. If this were the case, people who look like models wouldn't have husbands who struggle with pornography. It can hit anyone. It doesn't matter on the size, shape, race, relationship or religion.

I struggled for my choice of a husband. I knew right away that he was the one I was supposed to marry. During this time, I questioned why. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts from family members, and friends saying "we'll support you if you divorce him..."

Have you ever noticed people often root for the worst situation? Like there is not enough drama in their own lives... if you're one of these people, GET A HOBBY!!!

All I wanted to hear was "... suck it up! Do the vows say get out when the going gets tough? No? I didn't think so." Of course, when a friend of mine did say that, I didn't appreciate it then. I do now.

They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I went through all these stages multiple times. Sometimes all in a day. Sometimes in a month.

I grieved what was our marriage. I grieved all I ever thought was true. I grieved over the children I thought we would never have. The anger was intense. The loneliness and darkness I faced was worse.

Finally, like the sun breaking through a long stretch of overcast, I found hope again.

I read through an amazing book called "Hope After Betrayal" by Meg Wilson. It was like counselling in book form. Going through that, going to counselling and having friends surround me got me through the hard part: the beginning part of the healing process.

Unfortunately with any sort of healing means going through pain to get to the root of the problem.

I look back on this time and call it the best-worst time of my life. The worst time because every part of it was hell on earth. Feeling betrayed by my love, wondering what the heck God was up to, feeling ugly, alone and pain that is worse than any physical pain I could think of. The best time because I was broken. I was weak. In this brokenness God was able to take me, re-mould me, and start making me into more of who He has called me to be.

Six Months

Six months ago, my heart overflowed and broke all at the same time. Six months ago, I was exhausted yet elated. Six months ago, our family went from a married couple, to being parents. After years of longing, waiting and praying, then the months of a high risk pregnancy which brought on worries of itself... after wondering if we had a little boy or a girl baking in the oven, he came out into the world. Our little miracle. Our gift. Our ray of sunshine.

Our world has been rocked. Our life has forever changed and as we stumble through this life long challenge called parenthood we have the privilege of being able to be parents to our little man.

As I watch him trying oh so hard to roll over, grabbing his feet and chewing on anything in sight, I can only thank God for giving us the desire of our heart.

Happy 6 months baby boy!!

When It All Hits The Fan

Forgive my inappropriate-ness if this is found offensive. This was one of the more decent images I found for when the poop hits the fan... and it made me laugh out loud.

Do you ever have those days when everything is easy? Then, are you faced with those days when everything is piled on... some more, some more and some more? You are faced with an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness and all you want to do is cry... but scream... but want to fix it... and get out of this stinking hole of self-pity because come on... so many people have it worse off... but because these problems are so overwhelming in your tiny self-obsessed world you can't think of anything else but your ginormous crock pot filled with piles of problems on top of each other stewing, slowly filling your world with its aroma of problems problems problems...

... and then there is one more flying pile of poop that lands in this problem crock pot, and it all explodes.

That is where I'm at today. Overwhelmed by life and reality... desiring so many things that do not seem realistic and just searching for encouragement. Do you ever have those days where the Holy Spirit just prompts you to think about someone and either call or email them... I was hoping someone had a day like that for me. I have been scouring my email for just that. Man, do I ever sound self-obsessed!!!

Well, I looked on the VWM's blog to read her recent post and I felt encouraged. Here is someone whom I have never met, but have the utmost respect for. She is so real and because she is real she makes me feel like I can still live for Christ despite the royal schmuckness I can be... daily. I encourage you to read it... especially if you're having a day where you feel like it is a day when it is all going to hit the fan. View it here

Lay it all down... lay it all down... lay it all down!

My Life On Display #4-- The Blindside, The Separation

When it came to pornography, I remained ignorant. I thought it was simply looking at pictures you shouldn't look at and struggling with masturbation.

As I look at the previous two sentences I just wrote, I just shake my head. Even those things are terrible... but I didn't realize WHAT pornography truly was until I had to live through the darkness. The lying, manipulation, sensing darkness, the random fighting. Sexual addiction didn't just effect my husband, it effected our entire life.

I feel I need to say I love and respect my husband very much! Before I was married, I think I used to view men as monsters if they struggled with this. My husband is a very good man, a hard worker, and one of the most patient and positive people I have ever met. I have great admiration for him, and being with him has made me a better person.

However, it is unfortunate that we live in a world full of sin. Even good people sin.

I knew there had been random times where the struggle reared its ugly head, but I didn't know to what extent.

When we had been married two years, the sexual addiction was the worst I had seen it. The amount of hopelessness and pain I felt was deep. We got a lot of help from out pastors and others in our church. It was around this time that I journaled a simple prayer to God. It was "God, please don't give us a child until this is dealt with." It was no surprise that I couldn't get pregnant. No matter how much we cried, desired or prayed.

I read a really good book by Clay and Renee Crosse during this time called "I Surrender All." They openly talk about Clay's struggle with pornography and how it effected his career, their marriage and how they dealt with it. I am very thankful they are so willing to share their story with the world because I took great comfort and encouragement in it.

During this time, men surround my husband, and women surrounded me. They focused on kicking this addiction in the butt, and healing for me. We did really well for a while. And I honestly thought we were free from this addiction for good. Before we married, our pastor told us this would forever be a "thorn in his side." I had the mindset that it might be a thorn in other people's sides, but not my husband.

Fast forward a couple more years, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. That whole summer I started sensing something was wrong. We would fight more, and I felt walls go up and distance between us. We had just moved into a new place so with the busyness of getting it set up and all that entails, I didn't think too much of it. Into the fall and winter, I had become very complacent. I was struggling in my job, I had been hurt by many Christians and was starting to turn my back on my faith and I was sensing my husband was struggling. Instead of fighting back, I cowered. On the first day of spring, I was completely blind sided. The addiction had been back, and he had hid it from me for 8 months.

We separated.

I was heart broken...

He is good, and He is God

Every time I sit down to write a new post I feel like I have nothing to say. There is so much going on around me that I feel like all the situations get jumbled into a big pile of crap and it is very hard to sort through that smelly, messy pile and put things into words.

Right now I am wrestling with things... and yet I'm not wrestling with things... if that makes any sense at all.

In the past month I have said goodbye to a beautiful girl who is now dancing in heaven, supported a friend as they contemplate divorce, given sympathy to another friend whose uncle was brutally murdered, found out about a mother of 3 young children who has been given 2 weeks to live and witnessed a long term couple break up.

Although some of these things would be good and considered healthy, other things bring so much pain to everyone and anyone who has ever been involved in these precious lives and relationships.

I find it interesting how I question God when life is down. Never when I'm on the mountaintop but always in the valley.

This past week, the post-partum depression has been kicking me in the butt. Hurting for all these situations has not helped at all either.

...And yet, I know God is always good. I know bad things happen to good people and it is not God's fault. I know we live in an imperfect, sinful world that is constantly swarmed with a spiritual battle... but it doesn't make this any easier.

I find myself holding my breath, waiting to hear the next round of bad news and begging God for the safety and health of my family.

But I still know He is good, and He is God.

He IS good, and He IS God...

Not That This Is Epic Or Anything...

I had an incredibly stupid moment tonight. I drank Pepsi. Then I drank another Pepsi. This was between the hours of 8:30 and 10:00 PM. It is now 3:15 AM and I am still W-I-R-E-D!!!!!

Sometimes I forget I'm no longer 18 and able to have caffeine at ridiculous hours. Tonight was one of those times.

The ironic thing is this is a bit of a vicious cycle. Tomorrow, I will need caffeine to stay awake which may result in me making more ridiculous decisions. Maybe not.

Learn from my mistake...

Thankfulness

Everyday I'm thankful. I get to stay at home with the most beautiful little boy whom I never thought I would have. Even now as his big, adoring eyes look up at me and he gives me his big gummy grin, I melt, sigh and breathe a prayer of thanks. I have the desire of my heart... to be a wife and mother.

Lately I have been convicted of what I call "the grass is greener" syndrome. It is a syndrome I have had my whole life. Full of coveting, jealousy, envy and even self-pity. It has effected friendships either by stalling them, or almost ending them. I hate this sin in my life so this is what God is trying to dig out of me right now... among many many other things.

About a month ago, "the grass is greener" syndrome reared its ugly head again. Some very good friends of ours put a bid on a beautiful home in a beautiful area. The offer was accepted, and they sold their adorable house they're in right now. They've been married a year less than us. I struggled because I watched and saw how blessed they are and it made me frustrated that these blessings aren't bestowed on me. Through prayer and talking with a mentor, God showed me that my life is the life He has given me. The place we rent, the car we have that is running on prayer right now...etc. He has given me these things, so I need to become a good steward of them.

Talk about a wake up call by a slap in the face. This syndrome has effected my friendship with this couple at times. This is a couple whom I love dearly and their friendship and loyalty has spoken volumes to me over the past years. There has been freedom in this conviction.

You see, I am a neat person. To all of you who know me and are scoffing at the last sentence, read on. I honestly am a neat person... you just haven't seen it... why? Because I have too much stuff.

Focusing on what I don't have is depressing. It brings up frustration and thoughts of "why don't I have this... don't You love me Lord??" However, focusing on what I do have brings up overwhelming feelings of joy. We have a living room cluttered with baby toys big and small due to people's generosity. Our living room is full of free furniture for the same reason. I might not have up to date stuff, and I think my couch is ugly, but I HAVE a couch. God has shown me how to be creative and generous with what I have. After all, it is all from Him.

So... with having too much stuff, God has really challenged me to downsize... again. I thought we did this when we made room for our little man, but there were some things I had trouble letting go of.

Through this whole lesson, God has also been teaching me to be satisfied with what I have. That includes having one child. I love kids, and have always wanted 4, but God has been nudging me to surrender that dream and be satisfied with what... or rather who I have. I have the most beautiful little boy who is so full of joy. He is a HUGE answer to prayer.

So it is with these lessons that I now surrender stuff to God and start using my resources for His glory. Lesson not learned... but lesson learning.

Does anyone want or need a doll house?

What has God been teaching you lately?