I remember walking around in a daze not fully sure of what had just happened. From the time I found out to the time he was out of the house was around 4 hours. I cried, I felt sick and the shock was unbelievable. I couldn't eat, sleeping was difficult because the moment I would wake up I'd be hit with another wave of what just happened.
I didn't talk to my husband for a little over 6 weeks. I didn't see him for 2 months. The range of emotions I went through on a daily basis were exhausting. I felt hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt ugly.
With being overweight, I blamed myself for not being beautiful enough for my husband. Even though this is still a daily struggle, I know it is a lie from the pit of hell. If this were the case, people who look like models wouldn't have husbands who struggle with pornography. It can hit anyone. It doesn't matter on the size, shape, race, relationship or religion.
I struggled for my choice of a husband. I knew right away that he was the one I was supposed to marry. During this time, I questioned why. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts from family members, and friends saying "we'll support you if you divorce him..."
Have you ever noticed people often root for the worst situation? Like there is not enough drama in their own lives... if you're one of these people, GET A HOBBY!!!
All I wanted to hear was "... suck it up! Do the vows say get out when the going gets tough? No? I didn't think so." Of course, when a friend of mine did say that, I didn't appreciate it then. I do now.
They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I went through all these stages multiple times. Sometimes all in a day. Sometimes in a month.
I grieved what was our marriage. I grieved all I ever thought was true. I grieved over the children I thought we would never have. The anger was intense. The loneliness and darkness I faced was worse.
Finally, like the sun breaking through a long stretch of overcast, I found hope again.
I read through an amazing book called "Hope After Betrayal" by Meg Wilson. It was like counselling in book form. Going through that, going to counselling and having friends surround me got me through the hard part: the beginning part of the healing process.
Unfortunately with any sort of healing means going through pain to get to the root of the problem.
I look back on this time and call it the best-worst time of my life. The worst time because every part of it was hell on earth. Feeling betrayed by my love, wondering what the heck God was up to, feeling ugly, alone and pain that is worse than any physical pain I could think of. The best time because I was broken. I was weak. In this brokenness God was able to take me, re-mould me, and start making me into more of who He has called me to be.
