Simply Poetic

As the days are being ticked away and our moving day comes closer and closer I find myself on the brink of freedom and fear.

Freedom from having a permanent mark on our family.  Freedom because we are moving to a place where we can share what we want to share in our story.  My husband and I are both the type of people who wear our hearts on our sleeve, but to be able to share what we want to share will be so much better.  It will be better because people tend to dwell on the negative, and that is what is permanently etched in their mind.  I see this in the off-handed comments I still receive and the looks that are given at times when I share about how friggin awesome my husband is.

It happens, we are all human.  I am guilty of judging others as well.

We should really be focusing on God!  What He has done not only in our situation, but in every situation!!!

I am excited about being free from the city life.  I know I will miss lots of aspects about being in a city.  I have been to Safeway three times in the past three days.  That won't happen in a small town.  But we are moving to a small town where peace seems to emanate from the very core.  I am excited about the freedom to experience a slower pace of life.  To be in a college town where money and material won't be the focus, but Christ will be.

Fear comes in by being unsure about how we are going to make money to live (still don't have that fully worked out but keep on trusting God and praying for wisdom.)  Fear of being the "new kid" or rather "new old adult" in town, and not able to make friends.  I have been in this city for 8 years and have a handful of people whom I call good friends. 

That is who I am.  I don't have a lot of friends, but that is because the people whom I am friends with I invest my all into them and consider them my very good friends. 

As I begin to fully process our move, I feel so thankful.  For years, I have felt like a "sitting duck" knowing that we were called to ministry but not moving forward in any way.  Now, we are moving forward.  God's timing is perfect.

I'm scared out of my mind.  I know what we are called to do, and I know it is not going to be easy.  I see who I am as a woman, mother, wife, friend, and Christian and there is SO MUCH room for improvement.  I am scared of being a pastor's wife because I feel inadequate.  However, I do know where God calls, He will equip.

I think it is time for me to end this blog.  I will keep it up for now (also because I have a stellar blogroll and don't want to forget about these blogs.)  I am contemplating starting a new blog but am not sure about how much time I will have in our new place.  I'll add it to this blogroll if I do.

For now, I thank you.  All of you who read my ramblings, rants and rationalizing.  Thank you for allowing myself to open up myself in a completely unadulterated way and attempt to remain anonymous.  Thank you all for your prayers and encouragement!  May God bless your socks off!!

An Update On Life

I think this blog has served its purpose.  I have vented, and gone from cynicism and bitterness to acceptance (for the most part) of people's stupidity (including my own.)  I have vented about life, and have been able to read back on how God was preparing me for the following months that were going to be incredibly difficult.

This week, we finally got a car.  It is perfect!  We are so amazed at how we missed out on appreciating luxuries like a car before, and now, we are blessed with an amazing vehicle with 4 doors, air conditioning and a cd player!  Our old car had 2 doors, no ac, and a tape deck that didn't work.  It is so amazing how easy it is to get a kid out of a back seat when you don't have to fold yourself back there and spring yourself out.

My husband still hasn't found a job but I have to admit, I absolutely love having him home.  Although he is still searching, I have found myself doing better with the PPD.

And the biggest news of all is that we are going to be moving.  This is very bitter-sweet.  We will be leaving a city that I love, and friends who have become more like family to me.  The plus side is we will only be living an hour away.  We will be moving to small town Saskatchewan so my husband can further his education.  We are still in prayer about this and busy trying to get funding, but we trust God will be taking care of us.

I am not quite done writing this blog, but I do believe as we begin a new chapter in the next few months that I will be changing blogs and writing more about life and what it is like to live in small town Saskatchewan.

This is an exciting change for us.  I will post when I can.

Who Are You?

Through the past couple years, I have seen a flaw in my character that drives me crazy.  I am not too sure how to work through this flaw, or if anyone else struggles with this but I see it as something that is not good.

I am a chameleon.

What I mean by that is I tend to change certain aspects of my personality to better suit whoever I am with.

If I am with my family, I am quiet, reserved and put on the mask that all is well in life.  If I am with certain friends, I am also a super-Christian who doesn't sin, or swear, and I people please my way through everything. If I am with the select few people who really know who I am, they see me for the incredibly flawed individual that I am and love me in spite of it.

This is who I am:  I am an insecure being who day in and day out despises how I look and am continually fighting to feel better about myself.  I swear a lot.  I love people in my life so deeply.  It is because of this deep love that causes me to get hurt very easily.

Even in this blog, I have been a bit of a chameleon.  I have struggled off and on about how to word things because yes, I do swear.  I have found it to be a good release after dealing with a few years of crap, but I am trying to stop this habit.  I also know that one day I will be a pastor's wife.  This does not mean I will ever be capable of giving the image that I am perfect, but if we do end up being in a more conservative church I would be terrified of anyone ever finding out about any blog post that had swears in it.

I care too much about what people think of me, but I fight to not care.  I am insecure in every relationship I have wondering if I am truly loved, or if I am just tolerated.

I can be outspoken to certain people and incredibly shy to everyone else.

I love creation.  I find I am able to commune with God quite easily in nature.

I am an introvert but love to be social.

I am a walking contradiction.

I love to read, crochet, needle felt and I am now learning to knit.

I love to play piano and sing.

I have a weird sense of humor, but my husband understands me, therefore he laughs at my jokes.

I desire to serve the Lord whole-heartedly but always feel inadequate.  I feel inadequate because I see how much of a schmuck I can be.

I find joy in bright (and I do mean LOUD) colours.  Both on the wall, and in my wardrobe.  I find joy in looking at a hamster's paws because I know if God cares about such tiny tiny details as a hamster's paw, He definitely cares about me.

This is who I am...now, my question is:  who are you?

A Letter To My Younger Self

Dear 19 year old me:

Happy Birthday!  I know you won't hear it a lot today, but that doesn't mean you are not loved, and are not special.  This is just a reality when you're in the working world.  Take some time to enjoy the mountain air, bask in the beauty of God's creation and stop moping around because you don't get to be with your boyfriend on your birthday.  Trust me, you will have a lifetime of birthdays with him.

You will hate me for saying this, but you are young and very naive.  Take time to learn from people older than you.  You won't always like what they have to say but these people have a very valuable gift they want to share with you:  Life Experience.

You don't have all the answers, even though you think you do.  You need to go back to Bible College so you can learn more about Christ.  Don't waste your year continually sad because you have to long distance with your boyfriend.  Trust me, this too will pass.  Focus on building your friendships, and even more importantly, your relationship with Christ because when you leave this little greenhouse, you will feel like you were thrown to a pack of wolves.

Enjoy life!  Make good decisions!  Exercise, eat healthy and get some sleep.  Even though you think you're missing out on fun, it is ok to go to bed before 4 am.

Your life will not be easy, but it is a good life.  When you go through the valley's, ask God to make you better, and not bitter.  When you're on the mountain tops, continue to strive for godliness because you will need closeness with Him to get you through the tough times.

Remember you are beautiful.  No matter how much weight you gain... you are a beautiful person.  Allow yourself to be mentored, and continue to work on your relationships in your family.  They too won't always tell you what you want to hear, but they are family and they love you deeply!

Enjoy today, and everyday because they all are valuable gifts!

Oh, and one more thing:  Stop thinking of 29 year olds as old.  Face it kid... in a decade you will be 29 and will be writing this exact letter to yourself.

Love,
The 29 year old you

The Answer Of Course Is Hippopotamus!

Wow!  It's been a while.  I have had so many moments where I have been staring at this screen wondering what I should write.  How I can explain all I am learning, how I am struggling but how it is making me a better person, and what God is doing in my life.

All I can do is sum it up to one word:  Hippopotamus!


A couple weeks ago, I went for coffee with a good friend of mine.  I vented about what was going on in our life.  She told me about a sermon she had heard a while ago on Job.  This sermon was about God's response to Job when he cried out to Him.  When reading it, God's answer seems a little obscure and frustrating, but digging deeper into it, it makes sense.  It puts me into my place.  God told Job about creation.  He never gave the answer to why this happened to Job.  He did, however, describe animals.  One animal in particular sounds like a hippopotamus.  Therefore, the answer, of course is hippopotamus!

I don't have any answer whatsoever to why we have gone through all we have gone through in the past few months.  I don't have any answer to why I have friends going through all they are going through.  I do know I serve an AMAZING GOD who hasn't forgotten about me.  An amazing God who not only created the heavens and the earth, He had fun creating animals, and created me.

This makes sense to me because hippo's have a special place in my heart.  When I was young and went to Vacation Bible School, a song was sung about hippo's.  The first verse talks about creation and then how somethings God just made for fun.  The chorus is "hip-hip-hippopotamus, hip-hip horray God made all of us..."  I have always thought of a hippo as something fun God made.  So if God made something for fun, He obviously has a reason for everything.

**Just a note, I re-read the section where God speaks to Job.  To cover my bases I have now realized the one animal doesn't sound like a hippopotamus, but the analogy still sticks with me.**

What A Hypocrite

As I sit in the quietness of my in law's home and am finally able to breathe after what has felt like eons of trials, I suddenly feel inspired to write.

I just posted a blog stating I am forced to take a sabbatical.  That is true, but for as long as I have internet, I will write if I feel inspired.  Tonight, I feel inspired.

Have you ever had the desire to take a vacation from your life?  Just whisk your spouse and kids away to some warm island where there are no fears, or spiders, it only rains when you want it to, and the warmth is just perfect enough to feel like a warm blanket on a cold night?

In some ways, I desire a vacation from my life.  I think part of it has been that I have been sick for 5 out of the past 6 weeks, and dear hubby is still looking for work, and ei hasn't kicked in yet.  Our son got sick last week.  Really sick.  Like I called the health line and they told me to hang up and call 911 sick.  After a good friend rushed us all to the hospital, it was confirmed he had bronchial pneumonia.  After 3 1/2 days of no sleep (on my part) our son was able to go home.  We are thankful he is ok.  Seeing our baby hooked up to an IV is an image I hope will be erased from my mind.

I don't know when these times will end.  I long for a lot of things, but know God is teaching us much.  For example, all we can do right now is rely on God.

The silly thing is, I don't remember the last time I read the Bible.

As we were coming up to where my in law's live we were listening to a sermon by Charles Price.  I wasn't paying close attention, but a few things managed to strike a chord in my heart.  One being a story he told about when he was a little boy.  He had some Bible verses he would read.  He would race through them, then get on with his day but he felt like a good person because he read the Bible.  He never knew what he read because he raced through the verses.  It eventually dawned on him that the purpose of reading the Bible is not to read the Bible, it is to get to know the Lord.  This didnt hit me until I wrote it down.  To get to know the Lord.  To be in relationship with the Lord...

Oh how I desire intimacy with God.  How I thirst for relationship with my Savior.  No wonder I feel like a dying woman in a desert crawling in search for the next oasis.  All I have needed to do is look right in front of me.

Wow... self-therapy via blog.  I guess this is what it usually is for me.

To all blog-stalkers out there, I have a question for you:  How do you spend time getting to know God?  Maybe if ideas are shared, we can all challenge and encourage one another.

I didn't even pack a Bible.  Shouldn't that be the first thing I think of?!?  My focus has been off so much.  I thought I focused on God, but I have been focusing on the problems.

Who knew the blog author could kick herself in the butt while writing what comes to her eh?

I need to go spend time with God.  It's a good thing my Father in law is a pastor... lots of Bibles in this house ;)

Forced To Take A Sabbatical

So... we can't get internet for the summer.  We will be close to public internet, so I am not sure how often I will get on.  God is still stretching us, but we are striving to stay strong.
I will blog as often as I can.

Reflection

It is amazing to see how different two years can make.  On this exact day, at this time two years ago, the day was very similar to this day.  The sun was shining, and I had lots of plans on getting things done.  By lunchtime this day two years ago, I found myself separated from my husband.

By lunchtime today, I'm hoping we'll be enjoying our soup or whatever is on the menu.

Two years have gone by, and I am so thankful.  Thankful for what we went through because it made us both better people.  Thankful for how God has blessed us with a renewed marriage.  Thankful for a physical symbol of His faithfulness by giving us a child.  Thankful our relationship with God has deepened.

I find myself more in love with my husband every day.  Daily, I am able to watch him grow more and more as he becomes more and more of a man of God, and thrives in his new role as a father. 

Our love and relationship has deepened.  Our relationship has been through the fire, and we have come out of it more refined than we once were.

We are more grown up than we once were.  We are less naive and more on guard.  I pray more for my husband.  We talk more.  We confess more.  We pray together more.

As we have been going through our most recent bumps in the road, we always bring ourselves back to what we have been through.  We know if we got through that, we can get through this because we have seen God move in incredible ways over and over in our life.

What to write?

Do you ever have those moments where you read all those blogs of epic proportions and feel like crap?  It's like those moments where you step on the scale, realize all your hard work paid off and you actually lost one pound, and then you go shopping with your best friend who looks like a model.

Sometimes those incredible bloggers scare me almost to the point of deleting my blog.

There are times when I tell my husband, I don't have a lot of followers (not to undermine the one faithful follower I do have... thank you M!!) the other follower doesn't count because it is me, and I don't know how I started following myself, or how to stop?!?!

Wow, tangent.  Let me start that paragraph again.  So, there are the times where I whine to my husband about how I don't have a blog of epic proportions, and how I don't know if my writings sound too whiny, or if I am really trying to get my point across,  and why this, and that, etc and he looks at me with those incredibly sexy eyes and tells me "that's not why you do it..."

Dang, he's right.

However, that doesn't mean insecurity doesn't come in the way.

Why do I write?

Even though I love journaling, I haven't been able to do it too much since my son was born.  I have been able to blog.  Go figure.

I write because there is that calling on my life where I have been told many many times that I will be able to help people out because of all I have been through so there is that hope someone is being reached... and encouraged... and challenged.

I write because there have been those blogs where I have been reached... and encouraged... and challenged.

I write because I am an internal processor.

I write because even though I like to think I am anonymous, I am slowly peeling back those layers and starting to let people close to me know about this blog.  So in a sense, writing has allowed me to start coming out of my shell.

Why are we always so bound by insecurity????

So, it is in my insecurity that I ask this:  Do you mind adding me to your blog roll?  If you are not on mine, but would like to be, just leave it in the comments and I will add you.

I am a blog-surfer.  I love to go from blog to blog.  I sometimes end up reading the most random, yet wonderful blogs this way.

Yup... that's all I have to say.

Little Bits Of Happines

Today was a low day.

Not even due to the fact that we are car-less, job-less and every other kind of less that there is.  It was due to the fact that at church, I allowed someone to make me feel inferior.  I don't want to gossip, nor do I want to talk poorly about this person.  She is someone I have never gotten along with, and now I feel like she is completely up in my grill.

Needless to say, I felt like crap.  I do not have a nice word to describe this girl when I talk to my husband about her.

I have wasted too much time today hurting over the way I am treated with this girl.

But that's how my low started.

God has encouraged me so much to look for the little happy's He gives us every day.  Let me tell you, every day, we get many little happy's.

Spring is here.  It was 10 degrees today.  There have been times on this date years past where the weather is still in the -30 to - 40 mark.  A couple months back, a friend gave me money to go do something for myself so I got myself a mocha with raspberry in it today.  Let me tell you... nothing (and I do mean NOTHING) is better than chocolate and raspberry together.  It is a burst of flavorful happiness in your mouth.  We also discovered the art of putting our baby in a laundry basket.  We put a blanket in, put him on top (so there is padding for him) then put stuffies and toys in, and he is amused for a good hour.  It brings us joy as we play with him in his basket.

So, there are many little happy's in every day.

God showed me this week that it is brush strokes that make up a picture.  That's why it is hard to see the big picture right now because we are on that canvas, and our lives are being brush-stroked right now.

My husband is going to a career fair tomorrow.  Please pray he gets an amazing job!

I Have Reason To Praise God

I have reason to praise God.


I always do.

If I have learned anything through this time where we are being stretched to the max, this is one thing I have learned.

Praise the Lord.

Praise Him in the storm.
Praise Him in the valley.
Praise Him on the mountaintop.
Praise Him when life is good.
Praise Him when all you want to do is fall prostate and curse the heavens.
Praise Him... Praise Him... Praise Him.

The verse that has been going through my head since I woke up today has been Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.  The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

The last song we sang in church today was "Blessed Be Your Name."

My husband has no leads on a job, and we just found out our car needs a new engine.  Both things have been very discouraging to us.  However, we are thankful our car got assessed for free.  I am thankful for friends and their connections!!

We have our health, and the sun was shining today.

We are learning to praise God for the little things.

Like overalls.  We  were given some baby clothes that were a little big a couple months ago.  There were 3 pair of overalls in those bags.  My son has worn overalls twice this week.  I love my little man in overalls.  Thank You God for giving us overalls!!

If we didn't have many big things taken from us, we wouldn't be able to find joy in the little things... the things that truly make up life.  The things we take for granted.

So, we are learning to have a heart of thankfulness.

What's Your Favorite Quote?

My husband and I have been offered a very sweet deal. Rent at a crazy cheap price for the summer. I am thankful for generous friends who offer themselves, their contacts, and their resources. My friend just bought a house, and is allowing us to take over live in her basement for the summer.

 We find this bittersweet. Although this is a wise choice, I find myself getting sad. Sad to leave this beautiful place that is full of fond memories. This is our first "Real" place. We can't count the basement suite we lived in for 4 years. I refuse to count anything that has fungus literally growing through the carpet. This place is still classified as an apartment but it feels like a house.

 Our option is stay here and continue to sink, or move out and get back on our feet. Although this is a very wise choice, it is still a very difficult one to make. Even though I titled this blog before I started writing, I realize my writings have been good self-therapy for the past 2 minutes.

 My heart hurts. This is our home. I know "home is where the heart is" but this is where we literally grew up. We are in year 7 of our marriage, we are now parents... and we are broke. Bringing it back to the purpose of this... it is a wise choice.

 As we have been slowly going through our stuff (downsizing, procrastinating from packing) I came across a quote book I started a few years ago. In there I have lots of Bible verses and quotes that have made a great impact in my life. Some of these are from famous people, others are not. Some are lyrics to songs, or something I heard in a movie. I enjoy this little book because in it holds a great treasure of words. These words are so very encouraging to me.

 So, I ask you this: What is your favorite quote? Do you mind sharing them with me? If the comment section does not work, please send an email to warriorprincess306@gmail.com. If there are enough, I'll do a series. If not, I will do a post. They can be funny, deep, fluffy, etc. If you wish to share a story behind why this particular quote has such meaning to you, you can do a guest post on my blog.

 I found it very fitting to find this quote on a scrap piece of paper and be able to put it in my book today. As we are car-less and jobless, I found encouragement in it. "Today is the tomorrow you worried about, and everything is ok."  Such a great reminder!

No Comment

For some reason, I can't comment on my posts, so I'm assuming no one else can comment either. I don't know how to fix this problem. I have looked through FAQ's and can't find anything nor can I email anyone about it. If you know how to fix this, or simply want to drop me a line, email me at warriorprincess306 at gmail dot com. Apparently if you spell it all out you won't get spammed.

Blessed and Humbled

A year ago, I was dealing with a lot of bitterness toward the people in my life who said a lot of insensitive things to us while we were separated. I shake my head at the stupidity of people who just can't shut their mouths and listen. I know we are trained to speak in the silence because it makes it less awkward, and we as human beings don't like being awkward.

A year later, I have been overwhelmed with love and thankfulness toward the people in my life. Specifically, our small group.

On Valentine's Day, the day "set aside" to show our loved ones how we feel about them (I'll go off on that in another post) we had people from our small group spread a lot of love in our house. In a very humbling, and blessed experience, we were blessed with meals and groceries. "Bundles of love."

To our beautiful small group who is so good at caring for people, we thank you.

There is nothing else to say. I started to write more to justify all of it, but to put it simply... we were very humbled and so very blessed. We love you all! What incredible examples of how to act when others are hurting.

See Me For Who I Am

I am me.

I struggle with my weight (being on antidepressants sure does not help that.), I am incredibly shy when you meet me, but if you are patient and slowly get to know me, you will see that I don't shut up. I love to read. I am a fickle crafter. That means I will do one craft for a while, then move on to another craft, then move on... etc. I haven't touched some of my craft supplies in over a year. I love to play piano.

I love to connect with people on a deeper level. That sometimes intimidates people. I don't care about the surface stuff... I care about YOU. What's YOUR story? What made you who you are today? What are you learning? How are you and God doing?

I love sunshine, music, nature, giraffe's, fuzzy socks, and anything that is pink and orange together.

I love my son. I love my husband more than my son. I love my God more than my husband or my son.

I am me.

I am a sinner. Saved by grace. (Make sure you re-read that with a southern accent...) Emphasis on the saved by grace.

So WHY IS MY FAMILY MARKED?????

There are very few ways to truly anger/ offend me. One of these ways is to insult my family. As word slowly spreads through our church (why is it that people thrive off bad news but call it a "prayer request") one person who knows us well came up to me without my husband around and asked if he was losing his job due to sexual addiction.

This hurt me deeply.

You see, we were separated TWO YEARS AGO!!! Not only that, but my husband has BEEN CLEAN for two years.

This makes me so angry.

I used to work with kids with special needs. This was a very fulfilling job for me. A friend of mine was working on her inclusion certificate during this time. She learned that as a teacher, you need to see the child first, not the disability.

Oh how we can parallel this to our lives as well. We should see the person first, not their sin.

We are far from perfect, but we strive for godliness. Sometimes we don't succeed, but that's where the saved by grace comes into play. The next moment, we can pick ourselves up off the ground, and try again.

So, see us for who we are. People who love God. People who love each other, who are crazy in love with their kid and who desire to further the Kingdom. Period.

Faith Like A Child

As our life is taking interesting twists and turns and going from bad to worse (in some, NOT ALL areas) I have been amazed, challenged and learning oh so much from my little boy.

You see, this week, our country song has been completed. My husband lost his job. As we are in a place of discouragement, and we're completely drained of emotion, living off adrenaline and trying to smile in the midst of it all we are learning from our son.

Our beautiful son who even though is cutting 4 teeth at once still squeals and smiles in complete delight at life. Our beautiful son who is surrounded by chaos but is completely content and happy and secure. He is this way because he knows he has 2 parents who love him to pieces and who care for him.

Oh how I have learned much through this little boy. As my survival mode is wearing off and I am slowly facing reality I am trying to look at life through my son's eyes. He has nothing to worry about because he is able to trust that his needs are met. I worry because I struggle with trust... even though I am God's child, and He has ALWAYS taken care of our needs, we are once again faced with the unknown. It is much more easier to worry than it is to trust.

I think we can learn much from children who make it look so easy to trust and not worry.

The Why God/ Who God Mentality

When bad things happen, how often do we find ourselves asking the question "Why God???" I can think of many, many scenarios in my life, and the lives of friends and family where I have asked that question.

It is interesting how that simple question can change our attitudes. We start questioning our relationship with God, our purpose on this earth, etc. Bitterness can start growing in our heart pretty quickly when that simple question is asked.

Our purpose on this earth is not to have an easy life.

When the question simply changes from "Why God?" to "Who are You in this, God?" things start to get more clear. It might take a while to get an answer but trust me, it is worth the wait.

Our calling is very simple: Love God, and love others.

Without facing crap in our lives, there would be no compassion. How can we love others and show them Christ if we don't have compassion?

I've been through enough to see God's fingerprints on my life. Some things have been tough to get through, other things have been quite easy. These trials and blessings have made me who I am today.

Asking God who He is in situations reveal to me not only who He is, but what He desires me to be.

Stumbling and striding down this road, I am able to see snippets of who God is, and what He desires me to be. He wants me to learn lessons through the trials I face. He wants me to cling to Him an deepen my relationship with Him.

**It's funny... I originally wrote this post on January 28. I thought I had published it but realized today I didn't. I love when things are divinely appointed. Re-reading this post has challenged my thoughts for the events of the last weekish. My emotions have been on a roller coaster but when I ask who God is in this... He is here.

The Bad Country Song

"Ohhhhhh our computer crashed, our car died on the highway and we have no cash...la la la la la..."

I am not the biggest country music fan, but I think I just wrote a hit song ;)

On days like today, the sky is overcast and I am hit with an overwhelming sinking feeling.

I hate Februarys.

It seems like everything bad happens in February. No wonder they have a couple holidays in this month. Even though it is the shortest month, it feels so stinkin long and dark.

Moving on aside from my cynical tangent, today I have been struggling. I always wonder why it is so much easier to concentrate on the negative rather than the positive. For the past couple days there has been one line from a song by R-Swift called "Smile" that has been running through my head over and over... "When the money's all gone, and the bills aren't paid, don't you fret no don't you worry..."

Even as I type that, peace fills my soul.

I can't remember a time where we havn't struggled financially. In our early marriage years when we had 2 incomes, a lot of it came from lack of financial planning, and the ability to handle money well and just plain stupidity. Now... it is from lack of finances. Period. I get tired of the whole encouragement to budget, set money aside, etc etc because the fact is we don't have enough money to budget let alone set aside. We have this much money and THHHHHIIIIISSSSS MUUUUUUUCHHHHHH BIIIIIILLLLLLSSSSSSSS. Pretty much our finances are FUBAR. Now, before you all go and google what FUBAR means, let me just say it is a relatively derogatory way of saying we're screwed.

It's not that we're not trying. I have a home based business but with our main computer having crashed (aka all my stuff is on there) and having no car, it is hard to move forward with it. We are trying so hard, and yet we keep on failing.

Now, I know there are MUCH BIGGER problems in this world. Trust me, I am burdened for many friends and people I know who struggle with many many things. We can all look at others and think "well ya, they're struggling, but their issue is not as great as mine..." and yet, when we're in that issue, it is all we can think about. It is all consuming.

And then there is God. Our great BIG GINORMOUS God who reaches down and envelopes us with His overwhelming sense of love and peace and who says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest..." (Matthew 11:28 NIV)

And then I sigh.

Our God is bigger. He is greater. He can handle all.

Amen... amen... amen.

The Great Adventure...

We are without a car.

Our car has been running on prayer for the past... long while. The prayers ran out so to speak.

We were on our way venturing forth to a city about 40 minutes away from where we live. We made it about half way, then our car died.

God answered prayer in different ways that day. I was wearing cute shoes but thought to bring my runners along "just in case" and we put an extra blanket on our son. It also wasn't a swear-your-face-off cold day like it can be here around this time of year. In fact, I think it was above zero.

God provided through friends who dropped everything to come rescue us and use their CAA to get our car towed back to our place.

We are now without a working car. We could take it to a shop but lack the funds to pay for it.

We are not worried.

It is an adventure.

A few weeks ago, we went without internet for a week. It was one of the most freeing experiences we have had. This too will be an interesting experience. Taking a bulky stroller up the steps onto a city bus was one of those interesting experiences.

We are fine.

We are trusting God. We are excited to learn what He wants to show us on this adventure.

But you gotta admit... it is kind of funny...

I find it hard to blog when I am caught in this dark cloud.

It seems like everytime I hit a pit in this ppd they get worse and last longer.

I went to training a couple years ago for youth at risk and was told if you spend 15 minutes with a depressed person, you start to take on their symptoms. I don't want anyone reading this blog to take on my symptoms.

Post-partum depression is hell.

I've been through worse. I'll get through it. I know that. Being honest, that friggin tunnel is all dark and I don't see a lot of light yet.

Even though I am surrounded by darkness, I am comforted at knowing I have the ULTIMATE LIGHT around me. I can't feel Christ, but I can't imagine going through this without Him by my side. I can still see Him in every sunset I watch, in the worship music that leaves me still and in awe. I see Him in my husband's eyes as they light up when he walks in the door from a long day at work, and in those heart-melting smiles from my son.

I know God is near. So near that He must be carrying me.

Which is good because I am starting to crack.

I am starting to crack,but I know God is here because He has put people in my life who are carrying me as well.

I am thankful. I am praying and fighting for joy.

I might not blog lots as I fight through this.

One thing that has helped me and challenged me is a book I am reading. "The Book of Awesome." It has challenged me to look at the little things in a day, smile and thank God for them. If you want to view the blog this book is based off, peep it here

PPD = Prison...Prison...Daily

It happened... again.

Just today I was rejoicing over how I have had more good days than bad days and then it hit me hard. The dark cloud flew in and settled over me.

I just wish I could blow it away. I wish I could walk it out or read enough Bible verses to get rid of it.

I wish I didn't always crave the crap that acts as depressants. Come on... chocolate, any kind of sugar, and fatty food. Why is it that the stuff that tastes so darn good is the stuff that is sooooo bad for you?

I want it gone!

I am DONE with Postpartum Depression...

And yet it still lingers.

I'm tired of feeling locked in a prison while drowning.
I'm tired of feeling alone and unloved.

I know it is a lie, at least my head knows it. Travelling the 6 inches down to my heart... that's another thing.

It is such a battle. One that I must win. But having the energy and desire to fight anything is lacking.

There has been the attitude at times that I just need to "happy up"
... if only it were that simple. This isn't a comfort zone... it is a prison camp.

I want to be free!!

You Are What You Eat

Growing up, I never fully understood what this phrase meant. I eat beef, does that make me a cow? I eat sugar, does that make me sweet? I eat Kraft Dinner, does that make me cheesy? I eat carrots, does that make me a rabbit?

Of course having more of a logical mind now, I do understand what that phrase means. If you eat healthy, you will be healthy. If you eat fatty foods, well... you get the picture.

Lately, I have not only thought about it in the physical realm of things, but also in what I listen to, read and watch.

I love the show, "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette." I find the ridiculous drama amusing and like seeing a "love story" unfold. Realistically, this is not edifying. A friend of mine once told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who stated that "chick flicks" are like porn for women. I am slowly starting to agree. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy chick flicks, but I have to be choosy with what I watch. Hollywood does a good job of sneaking into our minds and causing us to think "This is what real love is supposed to be like..." when in reality, you find yourself fighting with your hubby, burning supper and not showering in 3 days.

My husband and I had a great talk about this yesterday. He told me he is far from perfect and this portrayal is showing that men are perfect. That really is not fair to him for me to have this mindset (even though I didn't realize it until yesterday.) I also realized if he had this mindset with my imperfection, I would feel absolutely terrible.

So... tangent aside, I have decided I have to say goodbye to The Bachelor and Bachelorette. This does not mean to you who read are going to be judged by me if you continue to watch it. This is just how God convicted me.

I choose not to listen to a lot of secular music for a similar reason. I don't see a point in listening to people who have no talent but high drama in their lives get paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to have their voice auto-tuned and talk about getting drunk, having an orgy and making lots of money. I do, however like to listen to music that causes me to stop what I am doing and humbly stand in the presence of God and worship Him.


The same goes for books. I have read a few amazing books by authors who do not know the Lord, but for the most part, there is so much language and sex scenes in them... if I don't watch movies with sex scenes in them, why would I read about it?
I love books by Christian authors because even though some may be light and fluffy, God always ends up seeping through and challenging me in some way through the writings of this person.

I can so easily forget why I am on this earth and to Whom I am on this earth for. I can easily get caught up in myself, my wants and needs, and my desiring to just kick back and get lost in romantic comedy. This isn't bad... in moderation. God also wants us to rest and enjoy our lives, but if it gets to a point where all these subliminal messages cause us to be unsatisfied with our lives, it is time to take action.

This New Year...

I remember looking forward to 2010 being done. Within the first three months of that year I had found myself being separated from my husband. Within the last three months of that year, I found out I was pregnant. Talk about going to opposite ends of the spectrum. That year was full of blessings and growth. It was one of the hardest years to get through. I was full of shame and embarrassment and being over-protective from us being separated to worrying about what people though over God giving us a child 2 months after we got back together.

2011 was wonderful! Full of healing and then giving birth to our wonderful little boy. It is amazing thinking about how January to May D-R-A-G-G-E-D on, and May to December flew by.

2012 is a year full of hope. My husband and I desire to be more disciplined this year... in every aspect of our life. I don't like making New Years resolutions because I know most of the resolutions fail within the first 3 weeks of the year.

However, I do desire, and have goals.
I desire to be more disciplined with exercising because I know it will not only be good for my health, it will help fight PPD.

I desire to be more disciplined with housework. I still have my days where it is an accomplishment to get out of bed, but I love having a clean house, so I hope to do even one thing a day.

I desire to spend more time in the Word. Life is always so much better and put into perspective once you spend time with God. The outlook on life is always better, and I know life is so much better the closer I am to God.

So, these are my desires.

What are your goals?