Lessons Learned

I've been in a bad mood all week.

I hate even admitting this because I would love to be one of those wives with a perfect body, perfect hair and makeup and always happy. You know the ones... once Dear Husband arrives home, you greet him with a kiss and usher him through your perfectly clean home to the table, present him with the most magnificent 5 course dinner only talking about his day. And of course, once supper is done, he goes to the living room and puts up his feet while you clean up, and the children play quietly at his feet.

Yes, I am talking about an I Love Lucy re-run... I'm sure of it!

Well, I had my wake up call this morning... literally. My son woke up very early because he kicked his blankets off. As I laid in bed cuddling him, I noticed the time was a little over an hour before my alarm would go off so I decided to get up. I love these opportunities where I wake up before I normally do, and all is quiet because it gives me time to be able to think... and spend time with God.

I read my devotional book, and today's devotion hit hard. It talked about thanking God for the hard times, especially the times that keep coming back. To see it as an opportunity to learn new lessons.

Yikes!

I sat for a while really struggling with this. I did thank God, but I told Him my heart wasn't in thanking Him quite yet.

What would the world look like if we had more of a heart of thankfulness when we suffered instead of wanting to scream profanities at the heavens? What would our hearts look like? How would we react to others?

Do You Know Where You Will Go?

This morning, as my husband was reading the paper, he let me know that one of the most well known atheists died. I don't remember his name but what I do remember is the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt once I realized his opinion would have changed as he faces eternity in misery, pain and darkness.

Do you know where you will go when you die? I hate talking about death. I hate thinking about death. Maybe it is because I deal with abandonment issues, or maybe it is because I have been on the receiving end of losing a loved one and knowing the years of pain that come with needing to work through it. One thing I can rest assured of is I know, I will see my Dad again.

How many opportunities do we have to share our faith? I am a very shy person, and the thought of being bold is very nerve-racking to me, but I wonder about the opportunities where the actions are there. Being able to be kind at the doctor's office when your appointment was missed and you have been waiting for an hour, or if the service at a restaurant was terrible. What about the everyday moments when each person you encounter could be a brief opportunity to be the example Jesus called you to be.

So I will seize my opportunity via bloggerville: Do you know where you will go when you die?

I know.

I am far from perfect, sinning on a daily basis. But I serve God who sent His one and only Son to die for my sins so I could be forgiven, and go to heaven when I die.

I know it is GOD who created the heavens and the earth, (Genesis 1:1) and I know it is GOD who loved the world so much that He sent His only Son as a perfect sacrifice for our sins (John 3:16) Because of these things, I KNOW where I will go when I die.

Do YOU know where you will go when you die?

Losing Focus

Have you ever wondered why problems seem so huge sometimes? Like stuff keeps piling on, and you feel like you can't take it any more? And then one more thing gets piled onto this all ready overwhelming, overflowing pile and you finally break?

I had one of those moments a couple days ago.


When I felt like I couldn't go on any more, my husband and I sat down, and he realized the thing that we were missing the most in our lives was spending time with God.

Isn't it amazing how when we're running the race, all it takes is a tiny bit of turmoil to take our focus off, and we crash and burn? I seriously wonder if I will ever learn this lesson, or if I am destined to live my life as a wandering sheep who occasionally needs my legs broken so I can follow my Master again.

I also find it ironic that during the season where my focus should be on all that Christ has done for us, it is on "oh man, I have to buy this person a gift, and how am I going to afford a gift for this person..." I HATE consumerism!! My desire is for Christmas to be exactly what it is supposed to be. People coming together in love, and worship to God for all He has done, and blessing others. No more lists of "I want, I want, I want" just a simple "I saw this and thought of you because you are unique and I wanted to bless you with this..." and focusing on the time where we can all get together, laugh, have fun and truly thank God for sending His Son down to earth. The ultimate Sacrifice.

With now having a son of my own, I seriously wonder how it was done. I was adopted, and right after my son was born, I realized what a selfless act adoption is. I would NEVER want to give my son up to another family. It made me respect my birth mother that much more! Now, thinking about Christmas... God new what it meant when Mary got pregnant... His Son would come to earth to die the most painful death. What a sacrifice! It really does put John 3:16 into perspective. To sacrifice a life to save the world... but it doesn't end there. Performing a miracle, and Jesus rising again. I love it!!

It is amazing how when the focus is on God, how minuscule our every day problems seem to be. This too shall pass... bills will get paid, meals will be made, broken relationships will be restored... in one way or another.

How do you make Christmas special?

My Life On Display #6 -- What Separation Did For Me

I call those 4 months my husband and I were separated as the best-worst months of my life.

I got married very young. I will never regret that decision because I married the right person at the right time. With hindsight being 20/20, I have realized I was a very broken person when I got married. That made me an unpleasant person as crap from my past slowly came to the surface and I had to deal with it.

I had become very complacent as a Christian. I was working in a Christian school at that time, and seeing so much hypocrisy around me made me not to want to be around Christians... or anything like them. I had been hurt multiple times by my Christian friends and family... etc. I used this as a way to justify my back-sliding but really, I was just getting lazy in my walk with God. I remember thinking I needed a wake up call and knowing I didn't want one. Less than 3 weeks later, my world was rocked, I was alone, and the only place I could turn to was God.

I was surrounded by some very beautiful people who upheld me in prayer, who listened to me, and who eventually called me on my crap. Though these people weren't perfect and made some mistakes, I still was blessed to have these people in my life.

I read books, sought out counselling, and did a Beth Moore bible study. God made me whole. He made me a better woman, wife, daughter, friend... person. I would NEVER want to re-live this, but through this, God made me a better person, and I am thankful for that.

"He heals the brokenhearted
and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3

I am not naive enough to say we are fully healed as a couple, but God did a mighty work in our lives.

Two months after my husband moved back home, I got pregnant. We have had many insensitive things said to us regarding the timing but we KNOW God answered the prayer I prayed 3 1/2 years before... "God, don't give us a child until this is dealt with..."

My Life On Display #5 - The Healing Process

I remember walking around in a daze not fully sure of what had just happened. From the time I found out to the time he was out of the house was around 4 hours. I cried, I felt sick and the shock was unbelievable. I couldn't eat, sleeping was difficult because the moment I would wake up I'd be hit with another wave of what just happened.

I didn't talk to my husband for a little over 6 weeks. I didn't see him for 2 months. The range of emotions I went through on a daily basis were exhausting. I felt hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt ugly.

With being overweight, I blamed myself for not being beautiful enough for my husband. Even though this is still a daily struggle, I know it is a lie from the pit of hell. If this were the case, people who look like models wouldn't have husbands who struggle with pornography. It can hit anyone. It doesn't matter on the size, shape, race, relationship or religion.

I struggled for my choice of a husband. I knew right away that he was the one I was supposed to marry. During this time, I questioned why. I had a lot of conflicting thoughts from family members, and friends saying "we'll support you if you divorce him..."

Have you ever noticed people often root for the worst situation? Like there is not enough drama in their own lives... if you're one of these people, GET A HOBBY!!!

All I wanted to hear was "... suck it up! Do the vows say get out when the going gets tough? No? I didn't think so." Of course, when a friend of mine did say that, I didn't appreciate it then. I do now.

They say there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I went through all these stages multiple times. Sometimes all in a day. Sometimes in a month.

I grieved what was our marriage. I grieved all I ever thought was true. I grieved over the children I thought we would never have. The anger was intense. The loneliness and darkness I faced was worse.

Finally, like the sun breaking through a long stretch of overcast, I found hope again.

I read through an amazing book called "Hope After Betrayal" by Meg Wilson. It was like counselling in book form. Going through that, going to counselling and having friends surround me got me through the hard part: the beginning part of the healing process.

Unfortunately with any sort of healing means going through pain to get to the root of the problem.

I look back on this time and call it the best-worst time of my life. The worst time because every part of it was hell on earth. Feeling betrayed by my love, wondering what the heck God was up to, feeling ugly, alone and pain that is worse than any physical pain I could think of. The best time because I was broken. I was weak. In this brokenness God was able to take me, re-mould me, and start making me into more of who He has called me to be.

Six Months

Six months ago, my heart overflowed and broke all at the same time. Six months ago, I was exhausted yet elated. Six months ago, our family went from a married couple, to being parents. After years of longing, waiting and praying, then the months of a high risk pregnancy which brought on worries of itself... after wondering if we had a little boy or a girl baking in the oven, he came out into the world. Our little miracle. Our gift. Our ray of sunshine.

Our world has been rocked. Our life has forever changed and as we stumble through this life long challenge called parenthood we have the privilege of being able to be parents to our little man.

As I watch him trying oh so hard to roll over, grabbing his feet and chewing on anything in sight, I can only thank God for giving us the desire of our heart.

Happy 6 months baby boy!!

When It All Hits The Fan

Forgive my inappropriate-ness if this is found offensive. This was one of the more decent images I found for when the poop hits the fan... and it made me laugh out loud.

Do you ever have those days when everything is easy? Then, are you faced with those days when everything is piled on... some more, some more and some more? You are faced with an overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness and all you want to do is cry... but scream... but want to fix it... and get out of this stinking hole of self-pity because come on... so many people have it worse off... but because these problems are so overwhelming in your tiny self-obsessed world you can't think of anything else but your ginormous crock pot filled with piles of problems on top of each other stewing, slowly filling your world with its aroma of problems problems problems...

... and then there is one more flying pile of poop that lands in this problem crock pot, and it all explodes.

That is where I'm at today. Overwhelmed by life and reality... desiring so many things that do not seem realistic and just searching for encouragement. Do you ever have those days where the Holy Spirit just prompts you to think about someone and either call or email them... I was hoping someone had a day like that for me. I have been scouring my email for just that. Man, do I ever sound self-obsessed!!!

Well, I looked on the VWM's blog to read her recent post and I felt encouraged. Here is someone whom I have never met, but have the utmost respect for. She is so real and because she is real she makes me feel like I can still live for Christ despite the royal schmuckness I can be... daily. I encourage you to read it... especially if you're having a day where you feel like it is a day when it is all going to hit the fan. View it here

Lay it all down... lay it all down... lay it all down!

My Life On Display #4-- The Blindside, The Separation

When it came to pornography, I remained ignorant. I thought it was simply looking at pictures you shouldn't look at and struggling with masturbation.

As I look at the previous two sentences I just wrote, I just shake my head. Even those things are terrible... but I didn't realize WHAT pornography truly was until I had to live through the darkness. The lying, manipulation, sensing darkness, the random fighting. Sexual addiction didn't just effect my husband, it effected our entire life.

I feel I need to say I love and respect my husband very much! Before I was married, I think I used to view men as monsters if they struggled with this. My husband is a very good man, a hard worker, and one of the most patient and positive people I have ever met. I have great admiration for him, and being with him has made me a better person.

However, it is unfortunate that we live in a world full of sin. Even good people sin.

I knew there had been random times where the struggle reared its ugly head, but I didn't know to what extent.

When we had been married two years, the sexual addiction was the worst I had seen it. The amount of hopelessness and pain I felt was deep. We got a lot of help from out pastors and others in our church. It was around this time that I journaled a simple prayer to God. It was "God, please don't give us a child until this is dealt with." It was no surprise that I couldn't get pregnant. No matter how much we cried, desired or prayed.

I read a really good book by Clay and Renee Crosse during this time called "I Surrender All." They openly talk about Clay's struggle with pornography and how it effected his career, their marriage and how they dealt with it. I am very thankful they are so willing to share their story with the world because I took great comfort and encouragement in it.

During this time, men surround my husband, and women surrounded me. They focused on kicking this addiction in the butt, and healing for me. We did really well for a while. And I honestly thought we were free from this addiction for good. Before we married, our pastor told us this would forever be a "thorn in his side." I had the mindset that it might be a thorn in other people's sides, but not my husband.

Fast forward a couple more years, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. That whole summer I started sensing something was wrong. We would fight more, and I felt walls go up and distance between us. We had just moved into a new place so with the busyness of getting it set up and all that entails, I didn't think too much of it. Into the fall and winter, I had become very complacent. I was struggling in my job, I had been hurt by many Christians and was starting to turn my back on my faith and I was sensing my husband was struggling. Instead of fighting back, I cowered. On the first day of spring, I was completely blind sided. The addiction had been back, and he had hid it from me for 8 months.

We separated.

I was heart broken...

He is good, and He is God

Every time I sit down to write a new post I feel like I have nothing to say. There is so much going on around me that I feel like all the situations get jumbled into a big pile of crap and it is very hard to sort through that smelly, messy pile and put things into words.

Right now I am wrestling with things... and yet I'm not wrestling with things... if that makes any sense at all.

In the past month I have said goodbye to a beautiful girl who is now dancing in heaven, supported a friend as they contemplate divorce, given sympathy to another friend whose uncle was brutally murdered, found out about a mother of 3 young children who has been given 2 weeks to live and witnessed a long term couple break up.

Although some of these things would be good and considered healthy, other things bring so much pain to everyone and anyone who has ever been involved in these precious lives and relationships.

I find it interesting how I question God when life is down. Never when I'm on the mountaintop but always in the valley.

This past week, the post-partum depression has been kicking me in the butt. Hurting for all these situations has not helped at all either.

...And yet, I know God is always good. I know bad things happen to good people and it is not God's fault. I know we live in an imperfect, sinful world that is constantly swarmed with a spiritual battle... but it doesn't make this any easier.

I find myself holding my breath, waiting to hear the next round of bad news and begging God for the safety and health of my family.

But I still know He is good, and He is God.

He IS good, and He IS God...

Not That This Is Epic Or Anything...

I had an incredibly stupid moment tonight. I drank Pepsi. Then I drank another Pepsi. This was between the hours of 8:30 and 10:00 PM. It is now 3:15 AM and I am still W-I-R-E-D!!!!!

Sometimes I forget I'm no longer 18 and able to have caffeine at ridiculous hours. Tonight was one of those times.

The ironic thing is this is a bit of a vicious cycle. Tomorrow, I will need caffeine to stay awake which may result in me making more ridiculous decisions. Maybe not.

Learn from my mistake...

Thankfulness

Everyday I'm thankful. I get to stay at home with the most beautiful little boy whom I never thought I would have. Even now as his big, adoring eyes look up at me and he gives me his big gummy grin, I melt, sigh and breathe a prayer of thanks. I have the desire of my heart... to be a wife and mother.

Lately I have been convicted of what I call "the grass is greener" syndrome. It is a syndrome I have had my whole life. Full of coveting, jealousy, envy and even self-pity. It has effected friendships either by stalling them, or almost ending them. I hate this sin in my life so this is what God is trying to dig out of me right now... among many many other things.

About a month ago, "the grass is greener" syndrome reared its ugly head again. Some very good friends of ours put a bid on a beautiful home in a beautiful area. The offer was accepted, and they sold their adorable house they're in right now. They've been married a year less than us. I struggled because I watched and saw how blessed they are and it made me frustrated that these blessings aren't bestowed on me. Through prayer and talking with a mentor, God showed me that my life is the life He has given me. The place we rent, the car we have that is running on prayer right now...etc. He has given me these things, so I need to become a good steward of them.

Talk about a wake up call by a slap in the face. This syndrome has effected my friendship with this couple at times. This is a couple whom I love dearly and their friendship and loyalty has spoken volumes to me over the past years. There has been freedom in this conviction.

You see, I am a neat person. To all of you who know me and are scoffing at the last sentence, read on. I honestly am a neat person... you just haven't seen it... why? Because I have too much stuff.

Focusing on what I don't have is depressing. It brings up frustration and thoughts of "why don't I have this... don't You love me Lord??" However, focusing on what I do have brings up overwhelming feelings of joy. We have a living room cluttered with baby toys big and small due to people's generosity. Our living room is full of free furniture for the same reason. I might not have up to date stuff, and I think my couch is ugly, but I HAVE a couch. God has shown me how to be creative and generous with what I have. After all, it is all from Him.

So... with having too much stuff, God has really challenged me to downsize... again. I thought we did this when we made room for our little man, but there were some things I had trouble letting go of.

Through this whole lesson, God has also been teaching me to be satisfied with what I have. That includes having one child. I love kids, and have always wanted 4, but God has been nudging me to surrender that dream and be satisfied with what... or rather who I have. I have the most beautiful little boy who is so full of joy. He is a HUGE answer to prayer.

So it is with these lessons that I now surrender stuff to God and start using my resources for His glory. Lesson not learned... but lesson learning.

Does anyone want or need a doll house?

What has God been teaching you lately?

Sometimes Loving People Sucks!

For three years I worked as an Educational Assistant. It was one of the most exhausting and exhilarating jobs I have ever had. I developed a deep love and appreciation for people with special needs. I realized they are definitely in this world for a God-given purpose.

I got to see Jesus daily in my job. With having the privilege of working in a Christian school, it was inevitable. Although this job came with many problems and politics, I will always look back on those three years with fondness. I grew a lot.

After I got hired, I daydreamed about what my job would be like. Walking into the high school and having students just flock to me, wanting to know my story and allowing me to speak into their lives. Reality hit pretty hard when I walked into the school, got put in charge of supervising a class pretty early and realized I had NO FREAKING CLUE what I was doing.

I was worried about working with kids with special needs. I grew up in schools where they had their own space, and we had ours. I didn't have any contact with them. I am glad that has now changed because we can learn so much from these incredibly beautiful, spirited, wonderful children. I know there are challenges. Kids with Autism and Aspergers are all different and have their own challenges, but when there was a victory, even a small one, we celebrated! This job was exhausting, but so rewarding!!

When I say I saw Jesus daily, it was through these wonderful kids. Who daily, would love me in spite of my imperfection. It always seemed like when I was having a bad day, one of these kids would have a hug, a small present or something funny to share with me.

By the time I was done my job, I was completely burned out but I would still visit the school and check up on these kids. I love these kids deeply and thank God for allowing me to get to know them and be impacted by them.

...That is why it has been so hard learning that one of these beautiful kids passed away this week.

She went in for a surgery that should have kept her out for a week. Six days later, the Lord called her home. She was young (only 18), beautiful and incredibly sweet. Always ready with a hug or a kind word.

Even though she is fully healed, and able to walk, and in the most wonderful place with Jesus, she will be greatly missed. My heart is sad.

This is for you baby girl. Thank you for the impact you made. Thank you for loving me in spite of my imperfection. I love you, and I'll miss you but I rejoice you are in heaven. Rest In Peace.

A Guilty Pleasure, A Monkey Trap and Unforgiveness

A Guilty Pleasure

I love Karen Kingsbury. Her books can be fluffy and soap opera like (meaning everyone is perfect looking and has a lot of money... hence the guilty pleasure because their lives are perceived as perfect) but I ALWAYS get something out of her books. I like them because they are a light read and I am usually done the book within a day or two... well, I should say I was done the book within a day or two before I had a child. Now, it takes a little longer. Whether it is a struggle one of the characters are going through, or a Bible Study they go to in the story, I always come out with something that has made me think. This story touched on unforgiveness. Specifically Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Wow!! I have read this verse multiple times, but it hit me hard this week. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine led me in a listening prayer. Through that prayer, God showed me it is His desire to see me free and in order to start walking to that freedom, I need to forgive people.

A Monkey Trap

I never heard of a monkey trap until last week. A friend of mine was using the analogy and explained to me what a monkey trap was. A monkey trap is a container with a hole in it just big enough to fit a monkey's paw in it. In the container, there will be something very attractive to a monkey like a banana. The monkey will reach in, grab the banana but won't be able to get it out, no matter how hard it tries. The monkey is trapped only because it won't let go of the banana. If it did let go, it would be free.

Unforgiveness

Apparently this is not a word. Spellcheck and dictionary.com don't recognize "unforgiveness." If I say "unforgivingness" it is correct. I don't like that, so I will keep it as "unforgiveness."

There are certain things I find easier to forgive than others. If my husband hurts me, I can forgive him pretty easily. Why? Hurting me are never his intentions, and I live with him. He also is an amazing example of being quick to forgive as I am incredibly flawed. No matter how many mistakes I make in a day, or stupid things I say to him, he is always quick to forgive, and let things go.

So, what does this mean when I do struggle with not forgiving someone? Someone like... my mother? A woman who is mentally unstable, conniving, manipulative, abusive, who doesn't own up to her crap and continually hurts people?

Yes, even then.

This is my struggle. I'm caught in my own monkey trap of unforgiveness where even now as I type this, I struggle. There is the element of control. Because my mother will never own up to her crap and continually hurts me, why would I want to forgive her? Why would I want to let go of everything she has ever done to me and forgive her?

Because it will free ME.

This is my struggle. This is what I was convicted with through reading Karen Kingsbury.

70x7... 70x7... 70x7

It's going to take a lot of hard work! Please pray for me.

Moving Forward

I struggle with my devotional life. It's not like I don't have time. I'm a stay at home Mom. At least, I keep on telling myself that. I have realized this job is a very hard, yet rewarding job but its no wonder I'm tired a lot of the time. This is the career I have always wanted. However, I find it funny thinking about how I perceived how this job would be once I did have kids. I thought I'd have a clean house, lots of time to myself, a great schedule, exercise daily and amazing time with God.

...And then I woke up!! This perception is definitely a dream. Reality hits where I haven't showered in 3 days because I honestly forget to. My house is a mess, I struggle with getting outside to get exercise even though I know I feel better when I do, when I have time to myself, I waste it being on the computer, and time with God... what is that? I pray a lot for friends and family, but sitting down and digging deep in the Word... I don't remember the last time I did that.

I'm thankful for God who, in the midst of any struggle we have will meet us where we're at with open arms. I take comfort in the fact that as flawed as I can be, God still loves me, and His grace meter never runs low.

Well, my little man is asleep, so I should probably make this time productive. I think I'll start with showering...

It's Been A While...

I think there is the element of fear that has prevented me from writing more in the past week. Thoughts of "what if no one wants to read my blog any more because I shared too much?" "What if everyone has lost respect for me because I had sex before marriage?" "What if... what if... what if..."

I have had to take the next post to the series slow because it is still a bit of an open wound so I can only write a little bit each day.

Those are my thoughts. I'm still here... just processing...

Comments

To fellow bloggers, do you ever look at the stats to see how many views your blog gets in a day/week/month? I have a problem with this... I sign in every couple hours to see if my blog is being read, or if I am just writing to some infinite void.

I know people check this blog. I'm wondering if it is worth writing in it. I know it is a good way to get stuff out, to vent and to talk about myself like I am the most important person in the world, but I honestly love to help people.

So I'm asking a favor: Can you post a comment? Whether I know you or not (especially if I don't know you), whether this is your first time viewing this blog or 50th, and whether it is the date I wrote this post or 5 years from now, please, leave a comment.

Now, if you're like me and crazy shy or scared about not knowing me and leaving a comment, I understand. If you look at the blogs I stalk, I only personally know a few of the people. I have left comments on peoples blogs whom I don't know personally before and I hope it has encouraged them.

So, thank you...

The Great Calling

I'm taking a break from the series, at least for a couple days. Reliving the past is painful. I know it brings healing but I also know with having postpartum depression, I have to take things slow emotionally and be careful.

There is a level of hesitation as I write. I am sharing some incredibly intimate details of my life. Before I started this series, I prayed about what to do with my blog. I felt strongly that I should share about my life and the things I have been through.

I go to a church where there are so many people who put on a mask. There are the generational families who have been there since the church started, and their children go, their children's children go to this church, and now that their children's children are having children... well, they go to this church as well. A few of these families are looked upon with such respect. The unfortunate thing is some of these families are almost worshipped. "If only we could be more like this family..." People think to themselves or "Look at this family, they have it all together."

REALLY???

Now, I'm not going to judge whether or not they have it all together, but from what I have experienced through talking with friends about life is NO ONE has it all together.

Why aren't we willing to display our lives more to people?

I have really found encouragement from people who have been able to display their brokenness, sin, triumphs and victories because it shows me that I am not alone in this journey. It shows me that God calls us as we are to be missionaries. That means in our brokenness, as we shovel our way out of sin, as we recover from addiction, self image issues, hurt, depression, anexity we are called AS WE ARE to serve Him.

So here I am, called as I am to serve the great I AM. Who is with me?

My Life On Display #3 (The Temptation, The Indulgence, The Sin)

In his book, LOVE AND RESPECT,author Emerson Eggerichs says "Satan will do what he can to get couples into bed before marriage, and stay out of bed after marriage" (paraphrased.)

Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. It is ingrained in us from when we're little that "sex is dirty, sex is bad and if you have sex before you get married, you're going to hell." Is this a hyperbole? Not really from the family I grew up in.

With the way that the world is where even "G" rated movies are getting really bad, sex is all around us. From the commercials we watch to the ads in magazine we innocently flip through at the doctors office. It is so easy for lust to sneak into our lives and get a foothold.

I struggle with writing this post because I have to share parts of my life that I am not proud of. As I slowly am giving out the link to my blog to more and more people, I struggle with knowing people whom I love, respect, are friends with and have mentored will be reading up on my life. Reading up on stuff I chose to put myself through and regret.

I once told someone "with stupidity comes wisdom." It is unfortunate, however, that I have to learn the hard way. In my stupidity came wisdom. This is an experience I want to share to help others.

I guess there is the struggle because as much as I like to think I don't care... I really do care about what people think about me. I wish I had the confidence and courage to not care, but I am a people pleaser and desire to be loved, respected, and to have no one think ill of me or my family.

I want you to know that I have confessed this sin. I confessed it a long time ago and got help and healing through it. I also want you to know that it is in our imperfection where God can work the greatest. How could we ever further His Kingdom if we were all perfect. NO ONE would ever come to Christ if we were all perfect, or let everyone know how perfect we all are.

I'm sure we all have heard the boiled frog analogy. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. If you put a frog into cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it will think its fine until it dies. Being physical in a relationship is like this. It starts with holding hands, kissing and the boundaries get pushed further and further until you're no longer a virgin. This might not happen right away, but it happens... slowly... the standards slip. "We haven't gone that far" you think to yourself, or "I have a purity ring, that'll keep me safe..." It didn't keep me safe.

We had sex before marriage.

No, there was no manipulation, just us continually pushing the boundaries back, crying and dealing with guilt, forgiving each other, making a commitment not to push boundaries which would last a little while, and then this cycle would start all over again.

Until the very last boundary was broken.

Along with this, my heart broke as well. I didn't know how God could love me anymore because I committed such a sin. I felt like my purpose on earth could no longer exist because I was a sinner.

And yet, God still loved, and still forgave.

Romans 8:38-39 says "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below[ indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

He didn't just send His one and only son to die for those who saved themselves for marriage, He sent His one and only son to die for those who didn't as well.

1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness."

We confessed, we forgave, we healed. God restored.

I thought this would be the end of our story. After getting help from our pastor and waiting for marriage, I thought the sexual sin would be gone. Unfortunately it wasn't...

**Disclaimer** I know of people who waited for engagement or marriage to even kiss. To those of you who have been able to do this, I applaud you. To those of you who have struggled or are struggling right now and can't get out of it but want to, go to a trusted friend or mentor... confess...seek forgiveness, forgive, and heal. Most importantly, forgive yourself.

And Now... A Little Bit Of Happy

I was looking at my blog and noticed it lacked colour. I don't know how to change the blog template yet so I got some happy, colourful images off the internet to add some colour to my blog. Did you notice that cake? Whoever decided to put Smarties on cake is a genius!!

My Life On Display #2 (Be Careful What You Pray For)

I feel like I'm going backwards. Instead of starting from the beginning like how all stories start, I'm starting from the end. The most recent story. I guess this is how I process and heal. This is how you get to the core of an onion. You safely peel back each layer starting from the skin and top layer. Having a baby has been the most recent life changing event. The 2nd was dealing with sexual addiction in my marriage... again.

In highschool, as I was praying for my husband, I prayed this simple prayer. "Lord, I won't look at a guy if he's ever touched drugs. I won't look at a guy if he's ever touched alcohol... but I think I can handle pornography."

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!

I knew he was the one very early on. I think I have it pinned down to the first walk we went on. I had originally agreed to go for a walk with him because I am a great listener, and he was struggling from a recent break-up. I was going to listen to him, encourage him and try to help him win her back. We ended up sharing so much of our lives in that hour and a half walk. When I got back to the campus in the small town where our Bible College was, I was ready to march up to his previous girlfriend and tell her what a huge mistake she made ever letting this guy go.

A couple months later he and I were dating.

Although this sounds ridiculously fast, you have to understand that a week in Bible School (the greenhouse environment where there is so much growth, plus dorm life--being around people 24/7) is like a month everywhere else. We became friends, we got to know each other very well and developed a great attraction for one another. A little while after he told me he liked me, I made it quite clear I didn't want to be a rebound girl. He assured me I wasn't. And I know I wasn't.

Before we started dating, there was a night where we shared some things we struggled with. That was the night I heard about his struggle with pornography. I respected him greatly for telling me, knowing that he was risking this being a deal breaker. Being the nurturer and helper that I was, I thought I'd be able to help him through this, and "fix" the problem. Ah, the ignorance of an 18 year old girl.

My Life On Display #1

PORNOGRAPHY


A word that leaves me sick to my stomach.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, a word is worth a thousand pictures. Plus a thousand more...plus a thousand more.

A growing industry which leaves men and women both violated. Violated of a healthy marriage, violated of a healthy relationship...violated of respect.

Viewing a single image can have a person addicted for life. It is more addictive than heroin or cocaine. If it is the most addictive substance on earth, why is it legal?

It is still a huge taboo subject in the church. I wish it wasn't. I wish parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, and friends were better informed. Giving people the reality check that yes, this in fact is a disease, a terrifying addiction that can lead to immediate adultery with one click of a mouse. And No, once you are married, it doesn't get better. It gets worse. Maybe not right away, but the addiction will come creeping back like it always does so you better as heck be on guard.

If I sound like I speak from experience... its because I do. With only being 1 1/2 years past the last violation in our marriage, I know I'm still healing. But through that healing, and of course permission from my husband, I'm ready to share, and I pray it helps at least one person who may be screaming on the inside, feeling like they can't go on. This is for you.

Writing my story in one post would not only be time consuming, it would be emotionally draining so I guess here's my first series. MY LIFE ON DISPLAY...

I don't have much to say...

I love to write. I love how words can paint a beautiful picture in our minds. I love reading people's writing-- the ones that can take you to a far away land even if it's for 5 minutes while you get time to breathe. I desire to be one of those writers. I desire to write everything that is on my mind but it is so jumbled up that I need to process. I read an amazing post today by one of these amazing writers. It stunned me into silence. This author is someone whom I would love to one day have coffee with and hear her stories and maybe share mine. You can read her post here. Enjoy...

The Christian Thing...

Opinions can be very dangerous things. They can crush, wound and destroy dreams or exciting moments that happen in life.

With that disclaimer in place, I now use my opinion: I struggle with loving shallow people. You know, those people who lack depth and compassion because they have had relatively easy lives? Those people bring so much anger to me. I struggle with being friends with these people at times because when I share something with them, I get handed a very "Sunday School" answer thrown back to me "You know, God doesn't give you more than what you can handle..."

I do agree with that statement, but seriously, you don't say that to someone who is struggling when your life is perceived as perfect. You don't say that at all.

Why is it that when we share with our fellow Christians, they feel the need to say the "Christian thing?" Is it because we're taught since before we can crawl to love our neighbor and bear one another's burdens? IS THIS TRULY WHAT JESUS MEANT???

NO!!!!!!

I truly believe the meaning of those scriptures is just that. Hold each other both physically and up in prayer, cry with each other, listen to the hurts and leave the things "you feel you're supposed to say because that's the Christian thing to do" in your mind. It only ends up bringing pain, anger and bitterness to the one who is hurting. At least, that's my experience.

Before I start getting labled as a Christian hater, or someone who is just plain angry at Christians I will say this. Yes, I have been hurt by people. Yes, I have been hurt by many Christians including pastors. No, I don't hate them. Experience has taught me I need to forgive and move on. After all, I am one of those Christians as well who can lack compassion and say the Christian thing.

"Oh Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!" Jeremiah 17:14

6 Years

Six years ago today I pleged my life before God, friends and family to my husband. So here's to you, my wonderful husband! Though our life is crazy, far from perfect, adventerous and fun, I love you more than ever! Thank you for sharing your life with me. Happy Anniversary babe! I love you!

God Is Good...He Can Be Trusted

I want to thank my friend for the beautiful blog post she made. It challenged me.

Yesterday, I hit an all time low. As I was crying to my husband, he encouraged me to think positively because concentrating on the depression can also be detrimental. I agree. I do feel like I am drowning with no lifeline being thrown my way at times so I rejoice in the good times, and fight to get through the dark times. I have realized Postpartum Depression is real, and it is not something to be taken lightly, and antidepressants aren't magical happy pills, but they sure as heck help.

I never want to get caught up in a pity party because let's face it... the fact that I live in North America and am a Canadian citizen makes life pretty good. I struggle with the amount of junk that comes my way at times. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch a break. But this simple phrase that was on my friend's blog just struck me... "God is good....He can be trusted." This is a healing balm to my soul. He is good (even in the dark trenches of ppd) and He CAN be trusted (trust that He will get me through, trust that He knows what He is doing, trust that He will "not let my foot slip" (Psalm 121:3)

There's something very poetic about searching images on google. Being able to see through a photographer's eyes as there are many different angles and views. Even if there are many photographers taking the same picture, no two pictures will be alike.

I find the same thing with all journeys we are on. People might have experienced the same, or at least similiar situations, but my life is not the same as any other person's life.

Right now, I'm struggling. I have points where I feel like I'm drowning.

I have Postpartum Depression aka poopy poop poop.

I have times where I'm fine and happy, and then BAM!!! I'm hit with an all time low and it takes me a while to get out of the funk. It's hard feeling like no matter how much I pray or listen to worship music, I am imprisoned in this. Now, I am a firm believer of God being able to heal, but I also know we need to go through things to get stronger and to be able to help others through the same thing. After all, we're supposed to shoulder each other's burdens. It is definitely easier to have compassion when you've gone through your fair share of crap.

The thing is, when I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is throwing a life line. I feel all crapped out. I don't want to have to deal with anything else, I just want an easy life... at least for a while.

I know, I know... here comes yet another person who is talking about the way they're suffering. I'm not suffering. I don't live in a 3rd world country. I don't have an abusive husband. I don't live in a place where I'm at risk everyday for my faith. I do live in a world full of sin that cause people in my life to make bad choices and therefore molded me into the person I am today. I spent the first 2 months of my sons' life super stressed out because I didn't want to turn into some of these influential people. During this time I was also fighting my doctor saying I wasn't depressed when he saw I was. Praise God for giving doctor's wisdom!! I have a lot of stuff to work through, but I desire to. I desire to be free and whole. I know we won't be completely whole until we reach heaven, but at least I can strive.

Counting my blessings, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, an amazing husband and a friggin awesome son. I have freedom of speech (hence a blog where my cynicism seeps through a bit... I'm working on that) and I have God. I could spend all night talking about the blessings I have, so that's a very good thing.

So to those of you who are reading... do you mind throwing up a prayer for me? For my husband and I as I fight through PPD, and that I can break the chains of generational abuse? For freedom?

Much appreciated.

Peace out.

The Simple Joys In Life

I'm not a morning person. My husband is not a morning person. I always thought it would be some cruel joke if when we had children, they would be morning people. Our baby is a morning person. Nothing melts my heart more than when we go to get him up and are rewarded with the most heart warming smiles. So, to whomever prayed our children would be morning people, thank you. We love having this ray of sunshine as we wake up!

Accountability

I am a scary deep person. No, this doesn't come from a PhD in philosophy which would entitle me to a lifetime of arrogance. This comes from who I am. I desire to connect at a deep level with whomever I become friends with. I like to know how people REALLY are doing, and what makes them who they are in life. I like to know people's stories, how they got to where they are, and how their relationship with God and other people are doing. I think we have a lot to learn from the people who surround us.

With being a deep person, I long for accountability.

I can be very cynical and even negative at times, but that truly isn't who I am. It is when I'm hurting and wresting with things that come my way, but I truly love to see the sunny side of life. I also know that always looking for the sunny side can turn into being a fake person whose "life is always good," and who has no problems. I can see right through people like that, so I never want to be that way. I definitely swing to the other end of the spectrum at times. Neither are good.

In highschool at youth group, camps or youth rallys we were always encouraged to "have an accountability partner" which would usually last two weeks. The typical conversation being the following:

Accountability Partner: "So, how are you doing?"

Me: "Fine..."

AP: "How's your relationship with God?"

Me: "Fine..."

AP: "Anything you're struggling with?"

Me: "Nope" [insert pinnochio nose growth as the lies grew bigger and bigger, but really, who wants to tell their accountability partner anything... they might *gasp* tell your PARENTS!!!]

And then we would get up and move on with our day.

Throughout life, there have been similiar conversations where we have accountability partners for dating to ensure things don't go too far. In my experience, those have never lasted too long either because people were too afraid to dig to the deep questions. Instead of asking "have you struggled or gone too far" the questions should have been "what are you struggling with, or how far have you gone?" Make the person you're supposed to keep accountable squirm... then they might think about not caving under pressure...

But really, I'm longing for this.

I want people to call me on my crap!! How else am I supposed to grow? So to you, whoever is reading this, I ask for accountability. Call me on my crap. This definitely is a venue for venting and growth, but how else am I supposed to grow unless people challenge me in every aspect of life?

Why Remain Anonymous?

I am a Christian.

To all fellow Christian's out there, this statement will be shrugged off. There will be the attitude of "sweet, another Christian" or "great another self-righteous poop face ready to talk about how perfect her life is." How about if I use this heading:

I am a struggling Christian whose life is incredibly messed up...

Does that grab your attention?

Ya, I thought so.

[Insert every Christian leaning forward toward their computer and start frantically searching for posts to see how screwed up this blogger's life is so they can either gossip about it, or judge so they can feel better about themselves...]

Through my life's events, I have become pretty jaded. I come from a dysfunctional family, I was abused as a kid, my marriage, although I love it, has been pretty screwed up at times and now that I have a kid... I have to figure out how to not repeat history.

So... getting back on topic, why remain anonymous you ask? Because I am a screwed up Christian from a dysfunctional abusive family who is stumbling along in life, fighting for a good marriage and to become a frickin awesome parent. I'm ready to share my story, I'm just not ready to share who I am quite yet. I've been labeled, judged and "marked" as "that person who [insert screwed-upness here]" and I know I need to stop caring about what people think, or who says what about me but let's face it, we all care. I feel like blogging will be a source for me to shed those shields that I have around me. I know from experience when I'm raw and open, it allows others to feel comfortable enough to be raw and open with me. Being hurt from fellow Christians (let's face it, we all have hurt one another at one time or another) has led me to clam up a bit. I guess, telling a bunch of people who don't fully know who I am at this time leads me to believe I will find healing in this journey and allow myself to open up again.

Why the name "Warrior Princess?" My middle name means "Warrior" and my first name means "Lily." What an oxymoron. A lily is delicate, and a warrior is a fighter. This is who I am. 6 years ago, right before I married my husband God called me His "Warrior Princess." I'm soft, sensitive, delicate and yet I fight for what is important to me. I fought to not be another "statistic" who came from a screwed up family who never amounted to anything. I fight to have a good attitude in life even though I can be pretty cynical at times. I fight to love, to live and to laugh. I will continue to fight but strive for that grace and poise, even in my emotions, and personality.

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7.

He is also a refuge when we're on those mountain tops... now that's something worth celebrating.

Bear with me as I fight through my cynicism, and join me in this awesome adventure called life.

I'm addicted to couponing.

WHAAAT??? You may ask. You know... couponing. A new known phenomenon which will soon be sweeping the nations. There are shows about it, websites dedicated to it and online courses you can take. In order to being a stay at home mom, I desire to be a good steward of our finances, so I have begun couponing.

The thing is, this new found addiction has got me neglecting more important things again. I spend hours on the computer trying to get more and more coupons out of websites and joining forums that show me how to save even more money and I havn't spent time with God, cleaned my house and *gasp* have let my baby sleep on the couch beside me.

Ah, balance... when will I learn?

I created this blog over a year ago when I was going through a very dark time. I realized I didn't want everybody up in my business as I was stumbling through life wondering where God was, nor did I want to depress the world with my depression and anexity. Through healing, and extreme life changes (ie/ having a kid) I have realized, I'm ready to blog. I often find myself intimidated by professional bloggers who are able to display their crap in such a way that it both inspires and convicts me all in the 60 seconds it takes to read their posts. The real and raw tendencies these people have leave me with nothing but admiration, and the feeling of inadequacy as I try to make my life known to the world wide web. I don't expect to have the effect that Julie Powell had, or even The Very Worst Missionary where both got book deals, but if I can encourage, inspire, or effect one person... this writing will be worth it. So, here's to you dear world. My life about to be displayed.