I find it hard to blog when I am caught in this dark cloud.

It seems like everytime I hit a pit in this ppd they get worse and last longer.

I went to training a couple years ago for youth at risk and was told if you spend 15 minutes with a depressed person, you start to take on their symptoms. I don't want anyone reading this blog to take on my symptoms.

Post-partum depression is hell.

I've been through worse. I'll get through it. I know that. Being honest, that friggin tunnel is all dark and I don't see a lot of light yet.

Even though I am surrounded by darkness, I am comforted at knowing I have the ULTIMATE LIGHT around me. I can't feel Christ, but I can't imagine going through this without Him by my side. I can still see Him in every sunset I watch, in the worship music that leaves me still and in awe. I see Him in my husband's eyes as they light up when he walks in the door from a long day at work, and in those heart-melting smiles from my son.

I know God is near. So near that He must be carrying me.

Which is good because I am starting to crack.

I am starting to crack,but I know God is here because He has put people in my life who are carrying me as well.

I am thankful. I am praying and fighting for joy.

I might not blog lots as I fight through this.

One thing that has helped me and challenged me is a book I am reading. "The Book of Awesome." It has challenged me to look at the little things in a day, smile and thank God for them. If you want to view the blog this book is based off, peep it here

PPD = Prison...Prison...Daily

It happened... again.

Just today I was rejoicing over how I have had more good days than bad days and then it hit me hard. The dark cloud flew in and settled over me.

I just wish I could blow it away. I wish I could walk it out or read enough Bible verses to get rid of it.

I wish I didn't always crave the crap that acts as depressants. Come on... chocolate, any kind of sugar, and fatty food. Why is it that the stuff that tastes so darn good is the stuff that is sooooo bad for you?

I want it gone!

I am DONE with Postpartum Depression...

And yet it still lingers.

I'm tired of feeling locked in a prison while drowning.
I'm tired of feeling alone and unloved.

I know it is a lie, at least my head knows it. Travelling the 6 inches down to my heart... that's another thing.

It is such a battle. One that I must win. But having the energy and desire to fight anything is lacking.

There has been the attitude at times that I just need to "happy up"
... if only it were that simple. This isn't a comfort zone... it is a prison camp.

I want to be free!!

You Are What You Eat

Growing up, I never fully understood what this phrase meant. I eat beef, does that make me a cow? I eat sugar, does that make me sweet? I eat Kraft Dinner, does that make me cheesy? I eat carrots, does that make me a rabbit?

Of course having more of a logical mind now, I do understand what that phrase means. If you eat healthy, you will be healthy. If you eat fatty foods, well... you get the picture.

Lately, I have not only thought about it in the physical realm of things, but also in what I listen to, read and watch.

I love the show, "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette." I find the ridiculous drama amusing and like seeing a "love story" unfold. Realistically, this is not edifying. A friend of mine once told me about a conversation she had with a friend of hers who stated that "chick flicks" are like porn for women. I am slowly starting to agree. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy chick flicks, but I have to be choosy with what I watch. Hollywood does a good job of sneaking into our minds and causing us to think "This is what real love is supposed to be like..." when in reality, you find yourself fighting with your hubby, burning supper and not showering in 3 days.

My husband and I had a great talk about this yesterday. He told me he is far from perfect and this portrayal is showing that men are perfect. That really is not fair to him for me to have this mindset (even though I didn't realize it until yesterday.) I also realized if he had this mindset with my imperfection, I would feel absolutely terrible.

So... tangent aside, I have decided I have to say goodbye to The Bachelor and Bachelorette. This does not mean to you who read are going to be judged by me if you continue to watch it. This is just how God convicted me.

I choose not to listen to a lot of secular music for a similar reason. I don't see a point in listening to people who have no talent but high drama in their lives get paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to have their voice auto-tuned and talk about getting drunk, having an orgy and making lots of money. I do, however like to listen to music that causes me to stop what I am doing and humbly stand in the presence of God and worship Him.


The same goes for books. I have read a few amazing books by authors who do not know the Lord, but for the most part, there is so much language and sex scenes in them... if I don't watch movies with sex scenes in them, why would I read about it?
I love books by Christian authors because even though some may be light and fluffy, God always ends up seeping through and challenging me in some way through the writings of this person.

I can so easily forget why I am on this earth and to Whom I am on this earth for. I can easily get caught up in myself, my wants and needs, and my desiring to just kick back and get lost in romantic comedy. This isn't bad... in moderation. God also wants us to rest and enjoy our lives, but if it gets to a point where all these subliminal messages cause us to be unsatisfied with our lives, it is time to take action.

This New Year...

I remember looking forward to 2010 being done. Within the first three months of that year I had found myself being separated from my husband. Within the last three months of that year, I found out I was pregnant. Talk about going to opposite ends of the spectrum. That year was full of blessings and growth. It was one of the hardest years to get through. I was full of shame and embarrassment and being over-protective from us being separated to worrying about what people though over God giving us a child 2 months after we got back together.

2011 was wonderful! Full of healing and then giving birth to our wonderful little boy. It is amazing thinking about how January to May D-R-A-G-G-E-D on, and May to December flew by.

2012 is a year full of hope. My husband and I desire to be more disciplined this year... in every aspect of our life. I don't like making New Years resolutions because I know most of the resolutions fail within the first 3 weeks of the year.

However, I do desire, and have goals.
I desire to be more disciplined with exercising because I know it will not only be good for my health, it will help fight PPD.

I desire to be more disciplined with housework. I still have my days where it is an accomplishment to get out of bed, but I love having a clean house, so I hope to do even one thing a day.

I desire to spend more time in the Word. Life is always so much better and put into perspective once you spend time with God. The outlook on life is always better, and I know life is so much better the closer I am to God.

So, these are my desires.

What are your goals?