My Life On Display #4-- The Blindside, The Separation

When it came to pornography, I remained ignorant. I thought it was simply looking at pictures you shouldn't look at and struggling with masturbation.

As I look at the previous two sentences I just wrote, I just shake my head. Even those things are terrible... but I didn't realize WHAT pornography truly was until I had to live through the darkness. The lying, manipulation, sensing darkness, the random fighting. Sexual addiction didn't just effect my husband, it effected our entire life.

I feel I need to say I love and respect my husband very much! Before I was married, I think I used to view men as monsters if they struggled with this. My husband is a very good man, a hard worker, and one of the most patient and positive people I have ever met. I have great admiration for him, and being with him has made me a better person.

However, it is unfortunate that we live in a world full of sin. Even good people sin.

I knew there had been random times where the struggle reared its ugly head, but I didn't know to what extent.

When we had been married two years, the sexual addiction was the worst I had seen it. The amount of hopelessness and pain I felt was deep. We got a lot of help from out pastors and others in our church. It was around this time that I journaled a simple prayer to God. It was "God, please don't give us a child until this is dealt with." It was no surprise that I couldn't get pregnant. No matter how much we cried, desired or prayed.

I read a really good book by Clay and Renee Crosse during this time called "I Surrender All." They openly talk about Clay's struggle with pornography and how it effected his career, their marriage and how they dealt with it. I am very thankful they are so willing to share their story with the world because I took great comfort and encouragement in it.

During this time, men surround my husband, and women surrounded me. They focused on kicking this addiction in the butt, and healing for me. We did really well for a while. And I honestly thought we were free from this addiction for good. Before we married, our pastor told us this would forever be a "thorn in his side." I had the mindset that it might be a thorn in other people's sides, but not my husband.

Fast forward a couple more years, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary. That whole summer I started sensing something was wrong. We would fight more, and I felt walls go up and distance between us. We had just moved into a new place so with the busyness of getting it set up and all that entails, I didn't think too much of it. Into the fall and winter, I had become very complacent. I was struggling in my job, I had been hurt by many Christians and was starting to turn my back on my faith and I was sensing my husband was struggling. Instead of fighting back, I cowered. On the first day of spring, I was completely blind sided. The addiction had been back, and he had hid it from me for 8 months.

We separated.

I was heart broken...

He is good, and He is God

Every time I sit down to write a new post I feel like I have nothing to say. There is so much going on around me that I feel like all the situations get jumbled into a big pile of crap and it is very hard to sort through that smelly, messy pile and put things into words.

Right now I am wrestling with things... and yet I'm not wrestling with things... if that makes any sense at all.

In the past month I have said goodbye to a beautiful girl who is now dancing in heaven, supported a friend as they contemplate divorce, given sympathy to another friend whose uncle was brutally murdered, found out about a mother of 3 young children who has been given 2 weeks to live and witnessed a long term couple break up.

Although some of these things would be good and considered healthy, other things bring so much pain to everyone and anyone who has ever been involved in these precious lives and relationships.

I find it interesting how I question God when life is down. Never when I'm on the mountaintop but always in the valley.

This past week, the post-partum depression has been kicking me in the butt. Hurting for all these situations has not helped at all either.

...And yet, I know God is always good. I know bad things happen to good people and it is not God's fault. I know we live in an imperfect, sinful world that is constantly swarmed with a spiritual battle... but it doesn't make this any easier.

I find myself holding my breath, waiting to hear the next round of bad news and begging God for the safety and health of my family.

But I still know He is good, and He is God.

He IS good, and He IS God...

Not That This Is Epic Or Anything...

I had an incredibly stupid moment tonight. I drank Pepsi. Then I drank another Pepsi. This was between the hours of 8:30 and 10:00 PM. It is now 3:15 AM and I am still W-I-R-E-D!!!!!

Sometimes I forget I'm no longer 18 and able to have caffeine at ridiculous hours. Tonight was one of those times.

The ironic thing is this is a bit of a vicious cycle. Tomorrow, I will need caffeine to stay awake which may result in me making more ridiculous decisions. Maybe not.

Learn from my mistake...

Thankfulness

Everyday I'm thankful. I get to stay at home with the most beautiful little boy whom I never thought I would have. Even now as his big, adoring eyes look up at me and he gives me his big gummy grin, I melt, sigh and breathe a prayer of thanks. I have the desire of my heart... to be a wife and mother.

Lately I have been convicted of what I call "the grass is greener" syndrome. It is a syndrome I have had my whole life. Full of coveting, jealousy, envy and even self-pity. It has effected friendships either by stalling them, or almost ending them. I hate this sin in my life so this is what God is trying to dig out of me right now... among many many other things.

About a month ago, "the grass is greener" syndrome reared its ugly head again. Some very good friends of ours put a bid on a beautiful home in a beautiful area. The offer was accepted, and they sold their adorable house they're in right now. They've been married a year less than us. I struggled because I watched and saw how blessed they are and it made me frustrated that these blessings aren't bestowed on me. Through prayer and talking with a mentor, God showed me that my life is the life He has given me. The place we rent, the car we have that is running on prayer right now...etc. He has given me these things, so I need to become a good steward of them.

Talk about a wake up call by a slap in the face. This syndrome has effected my friendship with this couple at times. This is a couple whom I love dearly and their friendship and loyalty has spoken volumes to me over the past years. There has been freedom in this conviction.

You see, I am a neat person. To all of you who know me and are scoffing at the last sentence, read on. I honestly am a neat person... you just haven't seen it... why? Because I have too much stuff.

Focusing on what I don't have is depressing. It brings up frustration and thoughts of "why don't I have this... don't You love me Lord??" However, focusing on what I do have brings up overwhelming feelings of joy. We have a living room cluttered with baby toys big and small due to people's generosity. Our living room is full of free furniture for the same reason. I might not have up to date stuff, and I think my couch is ugly, but I HAVE a couch. God has shown me how to be creative and generous with what I have. After all, it is all from Him.

So... with having too much stuff, God has really challenged me to downsize... again. I thought we did this when we made room for our little man, but there were some things I had trouble letting go of.

Through this whole lesson, God has also been teaching me to be satisfied with what I have. That includes having one child. I love kids, and have always wanted 4, but God has been nudging me to surrender that dream and be satisfied with what... or rather who I have. I have the most beautiful little boy who is so full of joy. He is a HUGE answer to prayer.

So it is with these lessons that I now surrender stuff to God and start using my resources for His glory. Lesson not learned... but lesson learning.

Does anyone want or need a doll house?

What has God been teaching you lately?