Sometimes Loving People Sucks!

For three years I worked as an Educational Assistant. It was one of the most exhausting and exhilarating jobs I have ever had. I developed a deep love and appreciation for people with special needs. I realized they are definitely in this world for a God-given purpose.

I got to see Jesus daily in my job. With having the privilege of working in a Christian school, it was inevitable. Although this job came with many problems and politics, I will always look back on those three years with fondness. I grew a lot.

After I got hired, I daydreamed about what my job would be like. Walking into the high school and having students just flock to me, wanting to know my story and allowing me to speak into their lives. Reality hit pretty hard when I walked into the school, got put in charge of supervising a class pretty early and realized I had NO FREAKING CLUE what I was doing.

I was worried about working with kids with special needs. I grew up in schools where they had their own space, and we had ours. I didn't have any contact with them. I am glad that has now changed because we can learn so much from these incredibly beautiful, spirited, wonderful children. I know there are challenges. Kids with Autism and Aspergers are all different and have their own challenges, but when there was a victory, even a small one, we celebrated! This job was exhausting, but so rewarding!!

When I say I saw Jesus daily, it was through these wonderful kids. Who daily, would love me in spite of my imperfection. It always seemed like when I was having a bad day, one of these kids would have a hug, a small present or something funny to share with me.

By the time I was done my job, I was completely burned out but I would still visit the school and check up on these kids. I love these kids deeply and thank God for allowing me to get to know them and be impacted by them.

...That is why it has been so hard learning that one of these beautiful kids passed away this week.

She went in for a surgery that should have kept her out for a week. Six days later, the Lord called her home. She was young (only 18), beautiful and incredibly sweet. Always ready with a hug or a kind word.

Even though she is fully healed, and able to walk, and in the most wonderful place with Jesus, she will be greatly missed. My heart is sad.

This is for you baby girl. Thank you for the impact you made. Thank you for loving me in spite of my imperfection. I love you, and I'll miss you but I rejoice you are in heaven. Rest In Peace.

A Guilty Pleasure, A Monkey Trap and Unforgiveness

A Guilty Pleasure

I love Karen Kingsbury. Her books can be fluffy and soap opera like (meaning everyone is perfect looking and has a lot of money... hence the guilty pleasure because their lives are perceived as perfect) but I ALWAYS get something out of her books. I like them because they are a light read and I am usually done the book within a day or two... well, I should say I was done the book within a day or two before I had a child. Now, it takes a little longer. Whether it is a struggle one of the characters are going through, or a Bible Study they go to in the story, I always come out with something that has made me think. This story touched on unforgiveness. Specifically Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Wow!! I have read this verse multiple times, but it hit me hard this week. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine led me in a listening prayer. Through that prayer, God showed me it is His desire to see me free and in order to start walking to that freedom, I need to forgive people.

A Monkey Trap

I never heard of a monkey trap until last week. A friend of mine was using the analogy and explained to me what a monkey trap was. A monkey trap is a container with a hole in it just big enough to fit a monkey's paw in it. In the container, there will be something very attractive to a monkey like a banana. The monkey will reach in, grab the banana but won't be able to get it out, no matter how hard it tries. The monkey is trapped only because it won't let go of the banana. If it did let go, it would be free.

Unforgiveness

Apparently this is not a word. Spellcheck and dictionary.com don't recognize "unforgiveness." If I say "unforgivingness" it is correct. I don't like that, so I will keep it as "unforgiveness."

There are certain things I find easier to forgive than others. If my husband hurts me, I can forgive him pretty easily. Why? Hurting me are never his intentions, and I live with him. He also is an amazing example of being quick to forgive as I am incredibly flawed. No matter how many mistakes I make in a day, or stupid things I say to him, he is always quick to forgive, and let things go.

So, what does this mean when I do struggle with not forgiving someone? Someone like... my mother? A woman who is mentally unstable, conniving, manipulative, abusive, who doesn't own up to her crap and continually hurts people?

Yes, even then.

This is my struggle. I'm caught in my own monkey trap of unforgiveness where even now as I type this, I struggle. There is the element of control. Because my mother will never own up to her crap and continually hurts me, why would I want to forgive her? Why would I want to let go of everything she has ever done to me and forgive her?

Because it will free ME.

This is my struggle. This is what I was convicted with through reading Karen Kingsbury.

70x7... 70x7... 70x7

It's going to take a lot of hard work! Please pray for me.

Moving Forward

I struggle with my devotional life. It's not like I don't have time. I'm a stay at home Mom. At least, I keep on telling myself that. I have realized this job is a very hard, yet rewarding job but its no wonder I'm tired a lot of the time. This is the career I have always wanted. However, I find it funny thinking about how I perceived how this job would be once I did have kids. I thought I'd have a clean house, lots of time to myself, a great schedule, exercise daily and amazing time with God.

...And then I woke up!! This perception is definitely a dream. Reality hits where I haven't showered in 3 days because I honestly forget to. My house is a mess, I struggle with getting outside to get exercise even though I know I feel better when I do, when I have time to myself, I waste it being on the computer, and time with God... what is that? I pray a lot for friends and family, but sitting down and digging deep in the Word... I don't remember the last time I did that.

I'm thankful for God who, in the midst of any struggle we have will meet us where we're at with open arms. I take comfort in the fact that as flawed as I can be, God still loves me, and His grace meter never runs low.

Well, my little man is asleep, so I should probably make this time productive. I think I'll start with showering...

It's Been A While...

I think there is the element of fear that has prevented me from writing more in the past week. Thoughts of "what if no one wants to read my blog any more because I shared too much?" "What if everyone has lost respect for me because I had sex before marriage?" "What if... what if... what if..."

I have had to take the next post to the series slow because it is still a bit of an open wound so I can only write a little bit each day.

Those are my thoughts. I'm still here... just processing...

Comments

To fellow bloggers, do you ever look at the stats to see how many views your blog gets in a day/week/month? I have a problem with this... I sign in every couple hours to see if my blog is being read, or if I am just writing to some infinite void.

I know people check this blog. I'm wondering if it is worth writing in it. I know it is a good way to get stuff out, to vent and to talk about myself like I am the most important person in the world, but I honestly love to help people.

So I'm asking a favor: Can you post a comment? Whether I know you or not (especially if I don't know you), whether this is your first time viewing this blog or 50th, and whether it is the date I wrote this post or 5 years from now, please, leave a comment.

Now, if you're like me and crazy shy or scared about not knowing me and leaving a comment, I understand. If you look at the blogs I stalk, I only personally know a few of the people. I have left comments on peoples blogs whom I don't know personally before and I hope it has encouraged them.

So, thank you...

The Great Calling

I'm taking a break from the series, at least for a couple days. Reliving the past is painful. I know it brings healing but I also know with having postpartum depression, I have to take things slow emotionally and be careful.

There is a level of hesitation as I write. I am sharing some incredibly intimate details of my life. Before I started this series, I prayed about what to do with my blog. I felt strongly that I should share about my life and the things I have been through.

I go to a church where there are so many people who put on a mask. There are the generational families who have been there since the church started, and their children go, their children's children go to this church, and now that their children's children are having children... well, they go to this church as well. A few of these families are looked upon with such respect. The unfortunate thing is some of these families are almost worshipped. "If only we could be more like this family..." People think to themselves or "Look at this family, they have it all together."

REALLY???

Now, I'm not going to judge whether or not they have it all together, but from what I have experienced through talking with friends about life is NO ONE has it all together.

Why aren't we willing to display our lives more to people?

I have really found encouragement from people who have been able to display their brokenness, sin, triumphs and victories because it shows me that I am not alone in this journey. It shows me that God calls us as we are to be missionaries. That means in our brokenness, as we shovel our way out of sin, as we recover from addiction, self image issues, hurt, depression, anexity we are called AS WE ARE to serve Him.

So here I am, called as I am to serve the great I AM. Who is with me?

My Life On Display #3 (The Temptation, The Indulgence, The Sin)

In his book, LOVE AND RESPECT,author Emerson Eggerichs says "Satan will do what he can to get couples into bed before marriage, and stay out of bed after marriage" (paraphrased.)

Unfortunately, this is the world we live in. It is ingrained in us from when we're little that "sex is dirty, sex is bad and if you have sex before you get married, you're going to hell." Is this a hyperbole? Not really from the family I grew up in.

With the way that the world is where even "G" rated movies are getting really bad, sex is all around us. From the commercials we watch to the ads in magazine we innocently flip through at the doctors office. It is so easy for lust to sneak into our lives and get a foothold.

I struggle with writing this post because I have to share parts of my life that I am not proud of. As I slowly am giving out the link to my blog to more and more people, I struggle with knowing people whom I love, respect, are friends with and have mentored will be reading up on my life. Reading up on stuff I chose to put myself through and regret.

I once told someone "with stupidity comes wisdom." It is unfortunate, however, that I have to learn the hard way. In my stupidity came wisdom. This is an experience I want to share to help others.

I guess there is the struggle because as much as I like to think I don't care... I really do care about what people think about me. I wish I had the confidence and courage to not care, but I am a people pleaser and desire to be loved, respected, and to have no one think ill of me or my family.

I want you to know that I have confessed this sin. I confessed it a long time ago and got help and healing through it. I also want you to know that it is in our imperfection where God can work the greatest. How could we ever further His Kingdom if we were all perfect. NO ONE would ever come to Christ if we were all perfect, or let everyone know how perfect we all are.

I'm sure we all have heard the boiled frog analogy. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. If you put a frog into cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it will think its fine until it dies. Being physical in a relationship is like this. It starts with holding hands, kissing and the boundaries get pushed further and further until you're no longer a virgin. This might not happen right away, but it happens... slowly... the standards slip. "We haven't gone that far" you think to yourself, or "I have a purity ring, that'll keep me safe..." It didn't keep me safe.

We had sex before marriage.

No, there was no manipulation, just us continually pushing the boundaries back, crying and dealing with guilt, forgiving each other, making a commitment not to push boundaries which would last a little while, and then this cycle would start all over again.

Until the very last boundary was broken.

Along with this, my heart broke as well. I didn't know how God could love me anymore because I committed such a sin. I felt like my purpose on earth could no longer exist because I was a sinner.

And yet, God still loved, and still forgave.

Romans 8:38-39 says "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below[ indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

He didn't just send His one and only son to die for those who saved themselves for marriage, He sent His one and only son to die for those who didn't as well.

1 John 1:9 "But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness."

We confessed, we forgave, we healed. God restored.

I thought this would be the end of our story. After getting help from our pastor and waiting for marriage, I thought the sexual sin would be gone. Unfortunately it wasn't...

**Disclaimer** I know of people who waited for engagement or marriage to even kiss. To those of you who have been able to do this, I applaud you. To those of you who have struggled or are struggling right now and can't get out of it but want to, go to a trusted friend or mentor... confess...seek forgiveness, forgive, and heal. Most importantly, forgive yourself.

And Now... A Little Bit Of Happy

I was looking at my blog and noticed it lacked colour. I don't know how to change the blog template yet so I got some happy, colourful images off the internet to add some colour to my blog. Did you notice that cake? Whoever decided to put Smarties on cake is a genius!!

My Life On Display #2 (Be Careful What You Pray For)

I feel like I'm going backwards. Instead of starting from the beginning like how all stories start, I'm starting from the end. The most recent story. I guess this is how I process and heal. This is how you get to the core of an onion. You safely peel back each layer starting from the skin and top layer. Having a baby has been the most recent life changing event. The 2nd was dealing with sexual addiction in my marriage... again.

In highschool, as I was praying for my husband, I prayed this simple prayer. "Lord, I won't look at a guy if he's ever touched drugs. I won't look at a guy if he's ever touched alcohol... but I think I can handle pornography."

WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!!!!!!!

I knew he was the one very early on. I think I have it pinned down to the first walk we went on. I had originally agreed to go for a walk with him because I am a great listener, and he was struggling from a recent break-up. I was going to listen to him, encourage him and try to help him win her back. We ended up sharing so much of our lives in that hour and a half walk. When I got back to the campus in the small town where our Bible College was, I was ready to march up to his previous girlfriend and tell her what a huge mistake she made ever letting this guy go.

A couple months later he and I were dating.

Although this sounds ridiculously fast, you have to understand that a week in Bible School (the greenhouse environment where there is so much growth, plus dorm life--being around people 24/7) is like a month everywhere else. We became friends, we got to know each other very well and developed a great attraction for one another. A little while after he told me he liked me, I made it quite clear I didn't want to be a rebound girl. He assured me I wasn't. And I know I wasn't.

Before we started dating, there was a night where we shared some things we struggled with. That was the night I heard about his struggle with pornography. I respected him greatly for telling me, knowing that he was risking this being a deal breaker. Being the nurturer and helper that I was, I thought I'd be able to help him through this, and "fix" the problem. Ah, the ignorance of an 18 year old girl.

My Life On Display #1

PORNOGRAPHY


A word that leaves me sick to my stomach.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. In this case, a word is worth a thousand pictures. Plus a thousand more...plus a thousand more.

A growing industry which leaves men and women both violated. Violated of a healthy marriage, violated of a healthy relationship...violated of respect.

Viewing a single image can have a person addicted for life. It is more addictive than heroin or cocaine. If it is the most addictive substance on earth, why is it legal?

It is still a huge taboo subject in the church. I wish it wasn't. I wish parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, and friends were better informed. Giving people the reality check that yes, this in fact is a disease, a terrifying addiction that can lead to immediate adultery with one click of a mouse. And No, once you are married, it doesn't get better. It gets worse. Maybe not right away, but the addiction will come creeping back like it always does so you better as heck be on guard.

If I sound like I speak from experience... its because I do. With only being 1 1/2 years past the last violation in our marriage, I know I'm still healing. But through that healing, and of course permission from my husband, I'm ready to share, and I pray it helps at least one person who may be screaming on the inside, feeling like they can't go on. This is for you.

Writing my story in one post would not only be time consuming, it would be emotionally draining so I guess here's my first series. MY LIFE ON DISPLAY...