I don't have much to say...

I love to write. I love how words can paint a beautiful picture in our minds. I love reading people's writing-- the ones that can take you to a far away land even if it's for 5 minutes while you get time to breathe. I desire to be one of those writers. I desire to write everything that is on my mind but it is so jumbled up that I need to process. I read an amazing post today by one of these amazing writers. It stunned me into silence. This author is someone whom I would love to one day have coffee with and hear her stories and maybe share mine. You can read her post here. Enjoy...

The Christian Thing...

Opinions can be very dangerous things. They can crush, wound and destroy dreams or exciting moments that happen in life.

With that disclaimer in place, I now use my opinion: I struggle with loving shallow people. You know, those people who lack depth and compassion because they have had relatively easy lives? Those people bring so much anger to me. I struggle with being friends with these people at times because when I share something with them, I get handed a very "Sunday School" answer thrown back to me "You know, God doesn't give you more than what you can handle..."

I do agree with that statement, but seriously, you don't say that to someone who is struggling when your life is perceived as perfect. You don't say that at all.

Why is it that when we share with our fellow Christians, they feel the need to say the "Christian thing?" Is it because we're taught since before we can crawl to love our neighbor and bear one another's burdens? IS THIS TRULY WHAT JESUS MEANT???

NO!!!!!!

I truly believe the meaning of those scriptures is just that. Hold each other both physically and up in prayer, cry with each other, listen to the hurts and leave the things "you feel you're supposed to say because that's the Christian thing to do" in your mind. It only ends up bringing pain, anger and bitterness to the one who is hurting. At least, that's my experience.

Before I start getting labled as a Christian hater, or someone who is just plain angry at Christians I will say this. Yes, I have been hurt by people. Yes, I have been hurt by many Christians including pastors. No, I don't hate them. Experience has taught me I need to forgive and move on. After all, I am one of those Christians as well who can lack compassion and say the Christian thing.

"Oh Lord, if you heal me, I will be truly healed; if you save me, I will be truly saved. My praises are for you alone!" Jeremiah 17:14

6 Years

Six years ago today I pleged my life before God, friends and family to my husband. So here's to you, my wonderful husband! Though our life is crazy, far from perfect, adventerous and fun, I love you more than ever! Thank you for sharing your life with me. Happy Anniversary babe! I love you!

God Is Good...He Can Be Trusted

I want to thank my friend for the beautiful blog post she made. It challenged me.

Yesterday, I hit an all time low. As I was crying to my husband, he encouraged me to think positively because concentrating on the depression can also be detrimental. I agree. I do feel like I am drowning with no lifeline being thrown my way at times so I rejoice in the good times, and fight to get through the dark times. I have realized Postpartum Depression is real, and it is not something to be taken lightly, and antidepressants aren't magical happy pills, but they sure as heck help.

I never want to get caught up in a pity party because let's face it... the fact that I live in North America and am a Canadian citizen makes life pretty good. I struggle with the amount of junk that comes my way at times. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch a break. But this simple phrase that was on my friend's blog just struck me... "God is good....He can be trusted." This is a healing balm to my soul. He is good (even in the dark trenches of ppd) and He CAN be trusted (trust that He will get me through, trust that He knows what He is doing, trust that He will "not let my foot slip" (Psalm 121:3)

There's something very poetic about searching images on google. Being able to see through a photographer's eyes as there are many different angles and views. Even if there are many photographers taking the same picture, no two pictures will be alike.

I find the same thing with all journeys we are on. People might have experienced the same, or at least similiar situations, but my life is not the same as any other person's life.

Right now, I'm struggling. I have points where I feel like I'm drowning.

I have Postpartum Depression aka poopy poop poop.

I have times where I'm fine and happy, and then BAM!!! I'm hit with an all time low and it takes me a while to get out of the funk. It's hard feeling like no matter how much I pray or listen to worship music, I am imprisoned in this. Now, I am a firm believer of God being able to heal, but I also know we need to go through things to get stronger and to be able to help others through the same thing. After all, we're supposed to shoulder each other's burdens. It is definitely easier to have compassion when you've gone through your fair share of crap.

The thing is, when I feel like I'm drowning, and no one is throwing a life line. I feel all crapped out. I don't want to have to deal with anything else, I just want an easy life... at least for a while.

I know, I know... here comes yet another person who is talking about the way they're suffering. I'm not suffering. I don't live in a 3rd world country. I don't have an abusive husband. I don't live in a place where I'm at risk everyday for my faith. I do live in a world full of sin that cause people in my life to make bad choices and therefore molded me into the person I am today. I spent the first 2 months of my sons' life super stressed out because I didn't want to turn into some of these influential people. During this time I was also fighting my doctor saying I wasn't depressed when he saw I was. Praise God for giving doctor's wisdom!! I have a lot of stuff to work through, but I desire to. I desire to be free and whole. I know we won't be completely whole until we reach heaven, but at least I can strive.

Counting my blessings, I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, an amazing husband and a friggin awesome son. I have freedom of speech (hence a blog where my cynicism seeps through a bit... I'm working on that) and I have God. I could spend all night talking about the blessings I have, so that's a very good thing.

So to those of you who are reading... do you mind throwing up a prayer for me? For my husband and I as I fight through PPD, and that I can break the chains of generational abuse? For freedom?

Much appreciated.

Peace out.

The Simple Joys In Life

I'm not a morning person. My husband is not a morning person. I always thought it would be some cruel joke if when we had children, they would be morning people. Our baby is a morning person. Nothing melts my heart more than when we go to get him up and are rewarded with the most heart warming smiles. So, to whomever prayed our children would be morning people, thank you. We love having this ray of sunshine as we wake up!

Accountability

I am a scary deep person. No, this doesn't come from a PhD in philosophy which would entitle me to a lifetime of arrogance. This comes from who I am. I desire to connect at a deep level with whomever I become friends with. I like to know how people REALLY are doing, and what makes them who they are in life. I like to know people's stories, how they got to where they are, and how their relationship with God and other people are doing. I think we have a lot to learn from the people who surround us.

With being a deep person, I long for accountability.

I can be very cynical and even negative at times, but that truly isn't who I am. It is when I'm hurting and wresting with things that come my way, but I truly love to see the sunny side of life. I also know that always looking for the sunny side can turn into being a fake person whose "life is always good," and who has no problems. I can see right through people like that, so I never want to be that way. I definitely swing to the other end of the spectrum at times. Neither are good.

In highschool at youth group, camps or youth rallys we were always encouraged to "have an accountability partner" which would usually last two weeks. The typical conversation being the following:

Accountability Partner: "So, how are you doing?"

Me: "Fine..."

AP: "How's your relationship with God?"

Me: "Fine..."

AP: "Anything you're struggling with?"

Me: "Nope" [insert pinnochio nose growth as the lies grew bigger and bigger, but really, who wants to tell their accountability partner anything... they might *gasp* tell your PARENTS!!!]

And then we would get up and move on with our day.

Throughout life, there have been similiar conversations where we have accountability partners for dating to ensure things don't go too far. In my experience, those have never lasted too long either because people were too afraid to dig to the deep questions. Instead of asking "have you struggled or gone too far" the questions should have been "what are you struggling with, or how far have you gone?" Make the person you're supposed to keep accountable squirm... then they might think about not caving under pressure...

But really, I'm longing for this.

I want people to call me on my crap!! How else am I supposed to grow? So to you, whoever is reading this, I ask for accountability. Call me on my crap. This definitely is a venue for venting and growth, but how else am I supposed to grow unless people challenge me in every aspect of life?

Why Remain Anonymous?

I am a Christian.

To all fellow Christian's out there, this statement will be shrugged off. There will be the attitude of "sweet, another Christian" or "great another self-righteous poop face ready to talk about how perfect her life is." How about if I use this heading:

I am a struggling Christian whose life is incredibly messed up...

Does that grab your attention?

Ya, I thought so.

[Insert every Christian leaning forward toward their computer and start frantically searching for posts to see how screwed up this blogger's life is so they can either gossip about it, or judge so they can feel better about themselves...]

Through my life's events, I have become pretty jaded. I come from a dysfunctional family, I was abused as a kid, my marriage, although I love it, has been pretty screwed up at times and now that I have a kid... I have to figure out how to not repeat history.

So... getting back on topic, why remain anonymous you ask? Because I am a screwed up Christian from a dysfunctional abusive family who is stumbling along in life, fighting for a good marriage and to become a frickin awesome parent. I'm ready to share my story, I'm just not ready to share who I am quite yet. I've been labeled, judged and "marked" as "that person who [insert screwed-upness here]" and I know I need to stop caring about what people think, or who says what about me but let's face it, we all care. I feel like blogging will be a source for me to shed those shields that I have around me. I know from experience when I'm raw and open, it allows others to feel comfortable enough to be raw and open with me. Being hurt from fellow Christians (let's face it, we all have hurt one another at one time or another) has led me to clam up a bit. I guess, telling a bunch of people who don't fully know who I am at this time leads me to believe I will find healing in this journey and allow myself to open up again.

Why the name "Warrior Princess?" My middle name means "Warrior" and my first name means "Lily." What an oxymoron. A lily is delicate, and a warrior is a fighter. This is who I am. 6 years ago, right before I married my husband God called me His "Warrior Princess." I'm soft, sensitive, delicate and yet I fight for what is important to me. I fought to not be another "statistic" who came from a screwed up family who never amounted to anything. I fight to have a good attitude in life even though I can be pretty cynical at times. I fight to love, to live and to laugh. I will continue to fight but strive for that grace and poise, even in my emotions, and personality.

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7.

He is also a refuge when we're on those mountain tops... now that's something worth celebrating.

Bear with me as I fight through my cynicism, and join me in this awesome adventure called life.

I'm addicted to couponing.

WHAAAT??? You may ask. You know... couponing. A new known phenomenon which will soon be sweeping the nations. There are shows about it, websites dedicated to it and online courses you can take. In order to being a stay at home mom, I desire to be a good steward of our finances, so I have begun couponing.

The thing is, this new found addiction has got me neglecting more important things again. I spend hours on the computer trying to get more and more coupons out of websites and joining forums that show me how to save even more money and I havn't spent time with God, cleaned my house and *gasp* have let my baby sleep on the couch beside me.

Ah, balance... when will I learn?

I created this blog over a year ago when I was going through a very dark time. I realized I didn't want everybody up in my business as I was stumbling through life wondering where God was, nor did I want to depress the world with my depression and anexity. Through healing, and extreme life changes (ie/ having a kid) I have realized, I'm ready to blog. I often find myself intimidated by professional bloggers who are able to display their crap in such a way that it both inspires and convicts me all in the 60 seconds it takes to read their posts. The real and raw tendencies these people have leave me with nothing but admiration, and the feeling of inadequacy as I try to make my life known to the world wide web. I don't expect to have the effect that Julie Powell had, or even The Very Worst Missionary where both got book deals, but if I can encourage, inspire, or effect one person... this writing will be worth it. So, here's to you dear world. My life about to be displayed.